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Thermophobia
==== Ingle Knight
1996 ====
CHARACTERS
GUNTER Noosboom
LUCY Leicester
JOHN Leicester
CAMILLE Leicester
DICK Delport
JUDY Leicester
REEVE
Professor STEIN
66
ACT 1
Scene 1
St Petersburg Airport. Flight calls in Russian. On a row of seats sit STEIN and
GUNTER. STEIN is in a fur coat with a big Russian fur hat. GUNTER in a t shirt.
STEIN Izvenyat mozhesh kyrit?
GUNTER Sorry, uh, nyet Russian.
STEIN English.
GUNTER Close enough.
STEIN Mind if I smoke.
GUNTER Doesn’t that sign over there say not to?
STEIN Only if you think you live long enough to get cancer. (He lights up)
GUNTER (Taking out a cigarette and lighting it)Glad you showed up. Live for today, that’s my philosophy.
STEIN The way things are out there you’ll be lucky to see next week.
GUNTER Sounds ugly.
STEIN Is fuckink jungle. Bombs goink off all over. Riots everyday.In summer I understand. Summer in Petersburg is good for riot. Riot in winter fuckink stupid. Anyone thinks riot in winter is good idea needs bullet in head.
GUNTER Ilike it cool myself.I itch when it gets too warm.
STEIN Is fuckink deep freeze out there.
GUNTER I wouldn’t know. It’s always a mild twenty four in here.
STEIN You just got here?
GUNTER No, I’ve been here a week.
STEIN You been here a week and you haven’t left the fuckink airport?
GUNTER I’m just here to fix the aircon.
STEIN You get this close to Petersburg and you don’t step outside and take a look? What’s wrong, you crazy? St Petersburg is most beautiful city in world.
GUNTER I haven’t got a passport.I can’t get through customs. My company keeps promising to get me one but I think it suits them to keep me in transit. And with the refugee crisis it’s impossible to get one by yourself.
STEIN Is true. I got Russian passport but that means shit. Nobody wants Russians.
GUNTER I haven’t set foot inside a national borderline in seven years.
STEIN So where you live?
GUNTER Planes and airports.
STEIN You must do shit load of travellink.
GUNTER I’ve been on more jumbos than Sabu the elephant boy.
STEIN This my first time.
GUNTER Nervous?
STEIN Nervous? I’m shittink myself.
GUNTER Where are you going?
STEIN I go to Perth in Australia. Is good place yes? Good weather, clean beaches, blue skies. Like paradise.
GUNTER Will they let you in?
STEIN Someone will be waiting for me with a visa and an airport exit card.
GUNTER How’d you score that?
STEIN Years ago I have written book. Is important book . But no-one wants to publish. If I was American pop-star instead of Russian Jew then maybe...Then some TV scientist in Australia hears about it. Suddenly everyone is in hurry. They wantto publish now already. I tell them, “you want my book, you take me too”. They fix. Off I go. (He pulls a battered manuscript from his bag)See. This is my passport to paradise. (He puts it back) You go to Perth too?
GUNTER Yep.
STEIN I sit next you in plane.
GUNTER I’m not booked on the next flight, I’m on the later one.
STEIN Pity, I think you keep my mind off distance between me and ground.
GUNTER I wouldn’t worry about that There’s a quark’s chance of an accidenthappening, really. You’re more likely to be run over by a busload of pygmies.
STEIN You think I don’tknow this? I am fuckink statistician. This is not much consolation up in the sky when wings fall off .
GUNTER No but really, there must be tens of thousands of commercial airliners flying around up there. How often do they crash?
STEIN Just the once. You look at this book then tell me how safe it is.
GUNTER (reading) Air Disaster / A Decade of Plane Crashes. Did you write this one?
STEIN No, no. Is for research so I know what I get myself into. My book is called “Big Freeze”.
GUNTER is engrossed in the book ofAir Disasters.
GUNTER Come again?
STEIN “The Big Freeze”.You ever hear about greenhouse effect theory?
GUNTER Heard of it? I live in fear. I told you, when it gets warm I itch. If I get too hot I come out in blisters.
STEIN Don’t worry. Is bullshit. I make major scientific discovery. Global temperature inversion.
GUNTER What’s it mean?
STEIN Means we go back to ice age.
GUNTER You reckon?
STEIN Sooner then you think.
GUNTER Well I hope you’re wrong about that.
STEIN I think you like the cold.
GUNTER Yes but you’ll put me out of business. You don’t need aircon in an ice-age. (He is still looking at the accident book) Jesus, that’s achilling coincidence.
STEIN Of what you speak?
GUNTER I was on a couple of these flights.
STEIN What the fuck you talkink? You must find this out from readink book? You not notice fuckink quick landink?
GUNTER No, no, I mean I was on the same flight, only a few days earlier. (He is still looking at the book)Holy shit! I was on that one too! And that! Just a minute. (He pulls a tatty looking dairy out of his pocket and leafs through it, referring back to the Air Disaster book.)Oh Christ. Oh Holy Fuck!
STEIN Oya, you mind with the holy fuckink please. I am religious man.
GUNTER Look, look, I’ve taken every one of these flights, see, places of departure and destination are the same, here, (referring from one book to the other)I was seven days ahead of the crash, and this one, I took six days before, and I caught this one, Caracas to New York, five days in front....this one three... two...I’m...I’m...I’m doomed.
STEIN I don’t believe. Here let me see.
STEIN takes the books and checks.
GUNTER Death is pursuing me.
STEIN Is very interesting.
GUNTER And it's catching up.
STEIN Is beautiful.
GUNTER Leaving carnage in its wake.
STEIN Elegant mathematical progression.
GUNTER I can never catch a plane again.
STEIN No, is wrong. You can catch one more. See, progression so far stops two days ahead. On next flight you are one day in front of crash. One after that...(He pulls his finger across his throat with sound effect.)
GUNTER What am I going to do?
STEIN Make sure next place you go is place you want to stay.
GUNTER But I don’t have a passport. No country’s going to let me in.
STEIN Is bad situation. I hear of Algerian refugee in a similar situation at Orly airport. Been in transit lounge for twenty years.
GUNTER They won’t let me do that. They won’t believe me. They’ll just put me on a plane.
STEIN Please to let me know when.
A flight call to Perth is heard in Russian.
STEIN Oh fuckink hell.
GUNTER What?
STEIN Is my call. (He stands)Well my friend... Oh Jesus, I need shit myself. Please to look after bags. I be back.
He exits. The flight call is heard again. This time specifically mentioning
passenger STEIN. An airport attendant appears calling for “STEIN!” He seems
angry. The plane is ready to leave. GUNTER tries to indicate with STEIN’s bag
that he’ll be back in a moment. The attendant indicates he’ll miss the plane.
GUNTER sees the manuscript, the “passport to paradise”, shrugs, swaps his
ticket with STEIN's and pursues the attendant taking STEIN’s travel bag with him.
Scene 2
Same set. Flight calls indicate Perth Airport. It is hot. GUNTER sitsalone, waiting,
scratching.
CAMILLE enters from one side, DICK enters from the other. They see each other.
CAMILLE I might’ve known you’d show up.
DICK Hi Milly. Enjoy last night’s bash?
CAMILLE My idiot step-daughter told you I suppose.
DICK How d’ya guess?
CAMILLE You were gasbagging together for long enough.
DICK Don’t be too hard on her she didn’t crack ‘til much, much later.
CAMILLE I thought you preferred girls of the plastic and puckered variety.
DICK Oh they're just to impress the boys in the boardroom. I like all sorts. You can attest to that.
CAMILLE How did you get to be such a complete slime-bag.
DICK I wasn’t sent to Harvard for the typing course.
They both reach into their cases and pull out extendable signs with
“PROFESSOR STEIN” written on them.
DICK Professor Stein?
GUNTER Ahh, ja...
He sees CAMILLE’s sign
GUNTER err, I . . . umm, are you . . . uhhh . . . ?
DICK Professor Stein? I’m Richard Delport Jnr, Professor.
GUNTER I . . . umm, you vith visa and pass for me? Ja?
CAMILLE That’s not him you fool.
GUNTER Eh?
DICK What?
CAMILLE It’s not him.
GUNTER Ja, ja. You got za visa for me? Ja?
CAMILLEHe doesn’t want to see your visa It’s alright. There’s been a misunderstanding. Sorry.Stein rang me five minutes ago. He missed his flight. He won’t be here for another hour.
GUNTER No Nono. Is me! You got visa.
CAMILLE Shutup! We don’t want to see your visa you stupid...
DICK What are you doing here then?
CAMILLE Waiting for the gasbag. She’s meant to meet me here.
DICK You’re not Stein?
CAMILLE Of course he’s not. Look at him for Gods sake. He’s a nobody. You're not Professor Stein are you?
GUNTER looks at CAMILLE, looks at DICK, shakes his head.
CAMILLE See you in an hour.
DICK I think I’ll wait
CAMILLE Fine.
They sit either side of GUNTER.DICK pulls out a Laptop-phone. CAMILLE reads the
paper.
CAMILLE Have you seen your interview in the paper ?
DICK I don't need to. I know what I said.
CAMILLE Do they?
DICK Who cares.
CAMILLE (Reading the paper)"Son of arch-conservative Air-Conditioning Tycoon, Richard Delport, claims; 'I must've had a thousand women'".
DICK grabs the paper.
DICK I didn't say that.
CAMILLE Daddy will be so disappointed in you.
GUNTER has a thought.
GUNTER Delport?
DICK What?
GUNTER Delport Airconditioning?
DICK So? (His telephone rings) .
During the following ,CAMILLE winks at GUNTER. GUNTER is confused. CAMILLE
winks again. GUNTER is embarrassed. He’s hot. He sweats. He scratches. He peels
bits of skinfrom his scalp. CAMILLE watches in disgust.
DICK Yo?...Dad! Hi...Look, they took it out of context... Well, yes but not like that.... .Dad come on!(He moves out of earshot of CAMILLE and GUNTER.)Look, we're moving with the multi-nationals now Dad. The Cartels. They don't respect you if you don't put it about. ... It's not demeaning at all, the sluts throw themselves at me.... Oh, you mean for them? No it's not, it gives them status. ... It's tribal instinct, I'm one of the chiefs, and they wantmy leadership genes. ... Not my Levis Dad, my DNA.... Yes, yes, OK, I'll find a wife soon. ... What?...No, he's not here yet......Really? No survivors at all? Jesus that’s gonna send their premiums through the roof!..... .Yes, OK. Yes, I know Dad. I’ll see you before you go...Yeah, love you too Dad. (He hangs up) Arsehole.
DICK (to CAMILLE) Did you say he’s on the next flight?
CAMILLE Mmmmh.
DICK From St Petersburg?
CAMILLE What about it?
DICK It dropped out of the sky somewhere over Northern Mongolia. No survivors.
GUNTER (groans) Oh God.
CAMILLE That's awful. Absolutely tragic. But we must look to the future. Life goes on.
DICK You’re a fount of compassion . But I gotta say it’s solves my problem. See you later Milly.
He leaves. GUNTER is about to call after him
CAMILLE Shhhh!
GUNTER Eh?
CAMILLE You never know.
She goes to the exit and comes back.
CAMILLE It's OK. Elvis has left the building. Well done, you were quite convincing. Thank God I warned you. Come along while the coast’s clear.
GUNTER Right. Ja. OK. We go. Yes. Ja.
They go to leave.
CAMILLE Oh, just a minute.
GUNTER Yes, er, ja? Vhat?
CAMILLE I’m Camille Leicester Professor Stein.
GUNTER Ah, er, goot. Ja. Ve go now. Ja?
CAMILLE If you are Professor Stein.
GUNTER Vhat? Yes, er ja. Course I am Stein. Who else? Letz go.
CAMILLE Just a minute.
GUNTER Ja, vhat?
CAMILLE Do you have the book?
GUNTER Ah, ja, za book, ja.
He reaches in and shows her the book.
GUNTER OK. Now ve go, ja?
He stands and stashes the manuscript. and heads for the exit.
CAMILLE Just a minute.
GUNTER Ja? Is problem?
She indicates a pile of luggage.
CAMILLE Is this your luggage?
GUNTER Ah. Ja. Vhy?
CAMILLE I have a couple of photographers waiting in the lobby. If we’re very lucky there may even be TV.
GUNTER TV?
CAMILLE Yes quite. You don’t look too telegenic do you? Would you mindputting on a suit?
GUNTER Ah.
CAMILLE (Opening one of the cases). I know it’s hot but it won’t be for long. You’re probably not used to this kind of thing in Russia but publicity depends so much on initial impressions.
GUNTER Is not good I get hot. Vhen I get hot I itch. Ja? And vhen I itch... is not good look, beleif me.Air con fuckink useless in this place.
CAMILLE It’ll only be for five minutes. (She opens his case.It’s full of heavy winter gear.Big jumpers.) God, youcertainly live by your creed don’t you?
GUNTER Sorry?
CAMILLE You’re obviously prepared for it.
GUNTER For what?
CAMILLE Come to think of it, it’ll prove how sincere you are.A picture of you in one of these might even get us a front page.You’ll be hot though. Your new ice age hasn’t quite arrived yet,its 47 degrees out there.Here, come on.
She tries to put a big woolly jumper on him. He resists. DICK DELPORT enters from
the other side of the transit lounge.
CAMILLE Shit!
DICK Excuse me! Professor Stein!
CAMILLE Shit, shit shit.
DICK I knew it was you!
CAMILLE It isn’t.
DICK Give up Milly. You’re being misled Professor.
CAMILLE Ignore him he wants to suppress your book and keep your discovery under wraps. Come along.
DICK Professor, Delport are the largest manufacturer and distributor of airconditioningon the planet.
GUNTER Ja, this I know. This one one of yours, ja?
DICK It certainly is.
GUNTER You not doing such a good job.
DICK We’re expecting our technician on the next flight from St. Petersburg.
GUNTER You must think he is fuckink miracle worker.
DICK Not my department. It’s lucky for you I found out you were coming Professor.
CAMILLE He wants to buy your silence.
GUNTER How much for?
CAMILLE What’s the going price for the future of our children?
GUNTER You want to give me an offer?
DICK Why don’t we talk about it in the comfort of my office?
CAMILLE They’ll send you back to Moscow.
DICK That’s nottrue. You can go wherever you like, Professor.
GUNTER. Can I go by ship?
CAMILLE You’ll never be heard of again and neither will your book. You’ll sink into obscurity. In the meantime Delport will sell a million unnecessary air conditioners and finish off what’s left of the ozone.
DICK You don’t give a rat’s arse about the ozone . This way Professor.
CAMILLE drags GUNTER away.DICK grabs his other arm.
DICK Let me tell you about their real agenda Doc.She and her husband recently bought themselves a couple of million dollars worth of City Beach real estate. But nowthe greenhouse is finally kicking in...
CAMILLE It’s just a heatwave!
DICK And you know what that does to the sea-level so you can imagine what it’s done to the value of their property. Coastal real estate has gone through the floor.
CAMILLE Thanks to a media scare campaign.
DICK Get real Camille. Look, with all due respect, Prof, I’m sure your ice-age theory is very interesting but it’s still only a theory and the fact is people are being debilitated by the heat. They need air con. And we want to supply it for them.
CAMILLE You don’t care if you kill us all. Professor, ignore him. He's a self-serving corporate vandal.
DICK Doesn’t change the facts.
CAMILLE He’s a lying parasite.
DICK She's a hypocrite.
CAMILLE Blood sucker!!
DICK An anachronism.
CAMILLE Leech!
DICK Past her use-by.
CAMILLE You prick!
She kicks him in the balls.
DICK Oomph.
CAMILLE No one calls me a cow.
She tries to drag GUNTER away.DICK recovers and goes for her. She stops him
with a gesture.
CAMILLE Don't you dare touch me, I'm a pregnant woman. Well, are you coming or not?
GUNTER Oh, uh, ja, I’m viz you. .
DICK Go anywhere you like Professor. First class.
GUNTER I no longer travel by air.
CAMILLE Come along then, do you have your passport?
GUNTER I think you have it, ja.?
CAMILLE I had a visa and exit card organised butmy idiot step-daughter was supposed to pick them up.As well as being a mindless gasbag she’s chronically unreliable.I’m sorry, I should’ve known better. ButI have authorisation so as long as you have your passport we’ll be fine.
GUNTER Ah, ja, fine, goot. (Pats pockets)Oh.Fuckink a duck.Now vere is it?Oh no. Oh bloody shit.
CAMILLE For God’s sake.
GUNTER I must have lost on plane.
CAMILLE Do you have any sort of ID at all?
GUNTER Not exactly to be speakink of.
CAMILLE lets go of his arm.He bumps into DICK.
CAMILLE (to DICK)You recognised him though didn’t you?
DICK Didn’t you?
CAMILLE flips open her laptop-telephone.
LAPTOP How can I help you Camille?
CAMILLE Database.
LAPTOP File please.
CAMILLE Professor Daniel Stein.
The laptop makes computing noises.
DICK Is it him ?!
CAMILLE (to DICK)Wait a moment.
LAPTOP Waiting.
CAMILLE Not you.Keep searching.Any vision?
LAPTOP No vision available.
GUNTER (to DICK)OK. I am your man.You can have me at discount. Couple of hundred rubles and short cruise to Hawaii.
DICK flips his laptop.
T’S LAP How can I help you Dick?
DICK Database, personnel, Daniel Stein.
GUNTER tries to see what information their laptops have produced.
CAMILLE What was your mother’s Christian name?
Pause.
GUNTER Gertrude.
CAMILLE packs up her laptop.
GUNTER Sarah.
We hear a bleeping sound.CAMILLE and DICK both reach for their mobile phones.
It’s CAMILLE’s.(The mobile phone looks like a pen with two thin arms which flip out
for speaking and listening.)
CAMILLE Hello.Yes?
GUNTER Rebecca.
DICK closes his laptop, turning it into a mobile phone.
CAMILLE (to phone)How should I know, I thought she was supposed to be here. Not that it matters anymore.
GUNTER Rachel.
DICK (to phone)Security.
CAMILLE Guess who she told the entire plan to.
DICK (to CAMILLE)Anytime you want new aircon let me know. I’ll get you a discount.
GUNTER Ethel.
CAMILLE No he isn’t.
GUNTER We just used to call her Mum.
DICK (into phone)Security this is Dick Delport.Get someone down to Transit 7 will you.There’s a guy floating around with no ID.You can’t miss him, he’s bald, weird skin, sweat problem.
CAMILLE John, I'll tell you later. I have to go.
She hangs up.
GUNTER OK look I ...
DICK How should I know how he got here.
GUNTER Heh, woah, I’m one of yours.I work for Delport.
DICK Try it on security.
He goes to leave.
GUNTER It’s true.I fix the aircons at all your airports.
DICK has left.
CAMILLE So what, may I ask, have you done with Professor Stein?
GUNTER We swapped flights.
CAMILLE You mean to tell me he was on the one that...
GUNTER I’m afraid so.
CAMILLE Shit! Shit, shit, shit!
GUNTER I feel somehow responsible.
CAMILLE Give me the manuscript.
GUNTER Ah, now just a minute.
CAMILLE Give me the damn manuscript.
They both leap for the bag. CAMILLE gets to it first. She pulls it out and away from
GUNTER. She leafs through it quickly. All the pages are blank.
CAMILLE Oh I don’t believe it!
GUNTER What? What?
She throws the manuscript at him and leaves.
CAMILLE Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!
GUNTERleafs through the empty pages. Until , suddenly he is set upon by two
burly security officers who drag him towards the exit.
GUNTER Just a minute.What are you doing?This is against the Geneva Convention. You can’t put me on a plane without due process?
OFFICER Don’t worry sir,we're just taking you downstairs..
GUNTER Oh, that's all right then. Why?
OFFICER So members of the public won’t be disturbed.
DEPUTY When we bash the shit out of you.
GUNTER Why do you want to do that?
DEPUTY Because you’re a nobody in no-man’s-land and we can do whatever we like to you coz you don’t matter.
OFFICER And to tell you the truth sir it’s a real desk job we do so we need the exercise.
DEPUTY And we’re sadistic.
OFFICER (with a sigh.) And we’re sadistic. But we’re men. And men are sadistic aren’t they, when you get right down to it. It's in the genes.
DEPUTY Then after we’ve beaten the bejesus out of you we're going to putyou on the next flight back to Moscow and everyone’ll be happy.
GUNTER The other passengers won’t be.
DEPUTY Why not?
GUNTER If you make me get on that plane it’ll crash. You’ll be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people.
OFFICER What makes you think that sir?
GUNTER It’s very complicated.It’s a confluence of statistics.
The security officers look at each other.
OFFICER Strait jacket case.
DEPUTY Hey, we could just keep him in the dog kennels and kick shit out of him whenever we felt like it.
GUNTER Woof!
DEPUTY Or how about the freezer?I've always wondered how long someone would last in there.
OFFICER Mankind is an inquisitive species.
DEPUTY He wouldn't go hungry.
OFFICER No, not with3000 economy class airline dinners stacked inside it. Unfortunately they're all 30 degrees below zero. Ha ha. Ah, life’s a comedy. OK, let’s see how long he lasts.
They each take one of GUNTER’s arms and start to drag him away.
GUNTER You can’t do this, it’s against all United Nations International Covenants.
LUCY enters on the other side.
LUCY Professor Stein?
GUNTER Yes!Yes!Have you got my papers?
LUCY Yes.Sorry I was so late. You wouldn’t believe the traffic. And I don't deal with this heat at all well. Is there a problem?
GUNTER extricates himself from the security officers.
GUNTER Not no more.Scuse gentlemen.Vould you mind? I be fine now.I take from here.Thanks for help.
OFFICER Do you know this gentleman miss?
GUNTER Ja, we go back long way, ja? Is good see you after so long.
LUCY Sorry?
OFFICER Do you recognise this man?
LUCY No, I’ve never seen him before in my life. I was just told to bring these papers. Is Camille here?
GUNTER She say sorry she couldn’t wait but that you are to have papers for me. Is this them? (snatches papers) Ah ja, these them. (he waves them at the officer) Ah ja this is me. No vorry. I not trouble any more. (to LUCY) We go.
OFFICER Mind if I have a look at these sir? (he takes the papers) Thankyou. May I ask where you got these from miss?
LUCY From my father.
OFFICER And he would be . . . ?
LUCY John Leicester.
OFFICER John Leicester? Not Dr John Leicester from the TV?
LUCY Yes that’s right.
OFFICER So you’re Lucy Leicester?
LUCY Yes that’s right.
OFFICER Well. Well, well. The Lucy Godwitgirl. It’s a pleasure to meet you. The Lucy Godwit Doll was my daughter’s favourite toy when she was a kid.
LUCY That’s nice.
OFFICER Yes and I like to think of myself as a bit of a philosopher. . .
LUCY Oh really?
OFFICER Oh yes, and I based a lot of my theories about life on your father’s work.
LUCY Did you. Well now that you’ve seen the papers can we . . .
OFFICER Perhaps we could go to my office. We can have a nice chat about things while we’re waiting for these to be verified. I don’t often get the chance to talk to lovely, educated young women like yourself. To tell you the truth most of the people I work with are thugs. But men are thugs when you really get down to it aren’t they?
LUCY Are they?
OFFICER It all starts with the ruthless ambition of the DNA to procreate doesn’t it?
LUCY I suppose so.
OFFICER Which leads to the injustices of natural selection and the survival of the cruel, the selfish and the powerful, if you see what I mean?
LUCY Yes, quite.
OFFICER Yes, I used to bejust another disappointed Christian before I saw your father’s show but nowI’m a shithot social Darwinist.
LUCY Wonderful.
OFFICER It certainly makes me feel better about some of the disgusting things I've done in my life. For instance...
LUCY turns to GUNTER and suddenly screams in recognition.
LUCY Oh my god, it’s you! I didn’t recognise you. You’ve put on so much weight and lost your hair.I’m so sorry, how stupid of me. (to Officer) Look I’m really sorry, of course I recognise him now. I can vouch for him absolutely so you don’t have to worry anymore;
OFFICER Oh. All right then. If you’re sure.
LUCY Oh (Checks papers) Professor Stein, I’m so embarrassed. Will you ever forgive me?
GUNTER Z’ okay. It’s been long time. I understand. (he takes the papers back from the officer) Thanks for help we won’t need you anymore.
OFFICER Oh, well alright then. (To Deputy) Come along Cyril.
LUCY Thankyou so much.
OFFICER Give my regards to your father. won’t you.
LUCY Oh yes, I certainly will, bye.
Officers leave.
LUCY For gods sake. We could have been here all day. I hope you are who you say you are or there’ll be hell to pay.
GUNTER You no need worry. (refers to papers)Oh, ja, thisme. Daniel Stein - scientist, author, statistician. Ya, ya this me alright. (reading) “ . .. invaluable contribution to national technological development priorities”. Ah ja, that’s me. (he starts to scratch) Phew! Is hot in this joint, no?
LUCY Isn't it horrible! It’s 46 outside.
GUNTER External temperature should make no difference to efficient air con system. You say 46? Centigrad?
LUCY I’m afraid so. And the air-conditioning in the car's packing up too. Where are we takingyou?
GUNTER shrugs
LUCY Where are you staying?
GUNTER I not know.
LUCY Well what am I supposed to do with you?
GUNTER Once we out of airport, I be fine.
LUCY I’d better take you home I suppose.
GUNTER Ah. No nano nano no. I be OK. You very kind but no need worry, vurry.
LUCY What’ll you do?
GUNTER Maybe I find hotel .
LUCY Without a booking? Have you got a smart card?
GUNTER Ithink not.Maybe you lend money, I pay back later.
LUCY Money?!Oh dear, Russia is behind isn’t it.I’ll take you home. Daddy’ll sort you out.
GUNTER Will other lady be there?
LUCY Who Camille? I doubt it. She spends all her waking hours at the officeavoiding the bleak bitter emptiness of her loveless marriage and wasted life. Come along then
GUNTER You not like this lady I think?
LUCY Me not like? Yes, you could say that.
GUNTER Me too neither.
(GUNTER has been scratching and picking at bits of skin.)
LUCY You’re not going to do that in my car are you?
They exit.
Scene 3
The Leicester’s Apartment. A sofa facing front, chairs ,coffee table with a computer
keyboard on it, a desk, a large video screen, tall glass doors leading to a balcony US.
In the background, the top floors of city skyscrapers jut into view suggesting that we
are in a penthouse.An exit USR goes to the front door and lift.Exit SL leads to the
spa. Exit USL goes to the kitchen and other rooms.There is an large walk-in
airconditioning unitset into the wall between SL exits with a hinged panel.We hear
the voice ofa domestic systems computer ,66.
66 Welcome home Lucy.
LUCY and GUNTER enter.GUNTER is carrying a plastic shopping bag. Heis
overcome by the heat outside.He goes to the first seat he comes across and
falls on it.LUCY, also hot, is mid-sentence. As she speaks GUNTER pulls
from the bag a large bottle of Coke, a huge bar of chocolate, and a big box
of aspirin. He lines them up on the coffee table.
LUCY ...so I wandered away from the dig. I was only about seven, and I found the bones which Daddy later identified as remains of the first bird. 66 show us the picture of the Lucy Godwit.
On a screen in the background appears an artist’s impression of the LUCY Godwit.
We hear JOHN LEICESTER's voice.
JOHN As far as we can make out, these fossils suggestthe firsttransition from a terrestrial reptile to a airborne reptile. I like to think of her as the first bird.
LUCY We don’t need the voice over as well thankyou 66. That was Daddy on the news. Thus he acquired brief national celebrity.
JOHN I have called this little creature the Lucy Godwit. In honour of mydaughter who found it.
LUCY 66 I said cut the voice-over. So they put him on a TV show about evolution. Where he acquired a publicist.
GUNTER The vicked step-muzer.
LUCY She didn’t reach that exalted status for a while. At first she was just there to show him how to cash in on the publicity.
GUNTER Not such bad sink.
GUNTER has started to swallow aspirin, and wash them down, one at a time,
with the coke.
LUCY She had a fluffy toy made with wings and marketed it as a Lucy Godwit doll.
GUNTER This you not like.
LUCY It wasn’t that, it was the way she used me to advertise it. Have you got a headache?
GUNTER Cools me down. The heat makes me itch. Is why I scratch.
LUCY Must be awful.
GUNTER Is curse.
LUCY The heat just makes me feel weak.
GUNTER Coke?Chocolate?Cigarette?
LUCY Thankyou, no. You’re a nutritionist’s worst nightmare.
GUNTER Helps me feel better.
LUCY I ‘m sure. Aren’t you worried about diabetes?
GUNTER No. Vhy? Is she sick? Ha ha. Jesus, is hot in here. Air conditionink on blink.
LUCY 66 what’s the temperature?
66 The external temperature is currently a blistering 46 degrees. Inside the temperature is a pleasantly tropical 35 .
LUCY 35!66 take it back to 24.
66 Technical difficulties prevent automatic response.
LUCY Have you called anyone to fix it?
66 Request has been placed with manufacturer’s service department.
LUCY When are they coming?
66 Estimated waiting period, currently seventeendays.
LUCY That means three months.66 turn on the spa.
66 Camille is currently occupying the spa.
GUNTER You said she’d be at office!?
LUCY Well I was mistaken. So sue me. Heavens, what’s your problem?
GUNTER I sink we go now.
LUCY We have to find out where you’re staying first. 66, where’s Daddy?
66 Dr Leicester is currently in his office.
LUCY 66 tell him to come in here.
GUNTER I am cookink like roast chicken.
LUCY So am I but there's nothing we can do I'm afraid.
GUNTER What’s wrong with air conditionink?
LUCY It's broken.
GUNTER This I know. But which part ?
LUCY 66 what’s wrong with the aircon?
66 Systems overload at thermostat cooling interface.
GUNTER I do thermostats.
LUCY Do you know where it is?
GUNTER Behind panel.
LUCY 66 open the aircon duct.(The panel swings open)Go ahead.
GUNTER disappears inside the airconditioning. Then he reappears and takes
another bar of chocolate from the plastic bag. There is plenty of chocolate and
coke left in it. He hands it to LUCY.
GUNTER Maybe you have fridge, ja?
LUCY Oh, yes, ok then.
She takes it and leaves. GUNTER disappears back inside the airconditioning. JOHN
enters.Once a successful and charismatic science populist, henow has neither
fame nor credibility as a scientist. He is harassed and a little neurotic. He paces a
couple of times across the room then digs into the sofa and drags out a tatty looking
fluffytoy from under the cushions. He sits and looksat it.
JOHN 66, will everything be alright?
66 Yes John, everything's going to be alright.
JOHN Thankyou 66
66 It's a pleasure John
LUCY enters.
LUCY Oh, there you are.
JOHN Are you alright? Where the Hell have you been? Why didn’t you answer your mobile?
LUCY I turned it off.
JOHN Why?
LUCY Because I’m tired of you checking up on me.
JOHN For Heaven’s sake, Lucy, don’t you think I’ve got enough to worry about without you disappearing on me?
LUCY I got caught in the traffic on the way to the airport.Radiators popping all the way down the freeway. It was awful. I could hardly bear it. And now the air-conditioning's broken. It’s a miracle I haven’t passed out. Actually I think I might. Now.
JOHN Where did you get to last night?
LUCY What do you care? You dragged me along against my will, showed me off for two minutes then cast me adrift in a sea of suits and spokesmodels while you hobnobbed with media executives.
JOHN It was important. I was trying to swing a deal with the network.
LUCY For a new show?
JOHN Well, so far just for the old one. But still relevant. We're negotiating a permanent rollover situation for Cable Nature.
LUCY Daddy, that's wonderful. Congratulations.
JOHN They haven't quite met my terms yet. The trouble is the programming director never saw it. She’s only just been transferred from the home-shopping channel. But she's going to watch the tapes and she's very interested in the possibilities of a newLucy Godwit doll.
LUCY Oh great.
JOHN Listen, it might help to make a dent in the mortgage. Did you go home with Dick Delport last night?
LUCY Who told you that?
JOHN Camille.
LUCY Has she been spying on me?
JOHN Don't be silly.
LUCY She's capable of worse.
JOHN Dick told her. He was at the airport waiting for Professor Stein too.
LUCY Why?
JOHN He wanted to get to him before we did. Professor Stein's forecast of an Ice Age isn’t good news for the airconditioning industry.
LUCY Why not? Don’t they have reverse cycles?
JOHN Sometimes I wonder if you’re quite ready for the real world.
LUCY That’s the sort of thing Camille says.
JOHN Did he want to talk about Stein?
LUCY Why should he?
JOHN Oh, Lucy, why do you think he took you home?
LUCY Why shouldn’t he?
JOHN You're hardly the kind of woman he normally associates with . He wanted to find out about our plans.
LUCY He wanted a lot more than that...
JOHN Did you tell him when Professor Stein was arriving.
LUCY I don’t remember. Anyway for your information he was far more interested in me. I could tell. He was very affectionate. And I can tell when someone is sincere or not and he was sincere. He was very, very sincere.
JOHN He didn’t go to Harvard for the economics course.
Pause.
JOHN I’m sorry poppet. If I was any sort of father I’d swear an oath of revenge...
LUCY Daddy don’t be silly. Anyway he wasn't at the airport.
JOHN You went?
LUCY Where do you think I’ve been?I said I’d collect those papers for her didn’t I? But she wasn’t there and neither was he.
JOHN They leftbefore you arrived. Stein never made it. His plane crashed.
There is a crash from behind the airconditioning panel.
LUCY Well have I got a surprise for you.
LUCY stands and pulls GUNTER out of the aircon duct.He is covered in grease etc.
LUCY Guess who this is?
JOHN Not another one of your grunge fusion friends?
We hear the beep of JOHN’s phone. He answers it.
JOHN Hello.
LUCY No it’s not .
JOHN waves her away.
JOHN Alice, hello, thankyou so much for ringing....Oh, OK, Al, ha ha ... Really?.... You've watched them all already, that's wonderful.... On fast forward. I see. .... Well it's hard to encapsulate the whole thing in a sentence....Yes but science isn't quite the same as a hamburger.... Oh, no, no, no,I'm sure I can make it clear to the consumer within thirty seconds ....Yes, well,the Lucy Godwit is the centre piece.... But I suppose it starts with the question palaeontologists are asked all the time which is 'what were wingsfor before the birds learned to fly with them'?
GUNTER is scratching and picking at some peeling skin.
JOHN Well, you can’t fly on half a wing, Alice. You’re either in the air or...
GUNTER flicks it on the ground absent mindedly.
JOHN ...you’re on the ground.
LUCY Do you mind?
GUNTER Oh. Sorry.
JOHN The question is, what was she doing dragging these flaps around on her back before she learnt to fly.? They must’ve made life very difficult.
GUNTER whinnies and flicks sweat with a shake of the head like an overheated
horse. LUCY exits. JOHN tries not to be distracted.
JOHN Oh, yes we know the answer.
GUNTER shakes and trembles with a deep accompanying sigh.
JOHN They were used to prevent overheating. Sort of evaporative coolers if you like.
LUCY returns with a bowel of water and a flannel.
LUCY Here.
GUNTER Thanks.(drapes the damp flannel over his head)Bliss.
JOHN Actually, you see, they were little dinosaurs. But when, for reasons unknown, the environment changed and the other dinosaurs became extinct, the little Lucy Godwitflapped her coolers and flew away. She wasthe Dumbo of the Palaeolithic era.
GUNTER has started to light a cigarette.JOHN indicates to LUCY to stop him.
JOHN Not in here, thankyou....No, no I didn’t mean....
GUNTER Is too hot outside.
LUCY Don’t smoke it at all then.
JOHN But Alice, imagine the marketing opportunities.(He picks up the tatty looking fluffy bird)
GUNTER (scratching)Smokink is good for itchink.
JOHN Well, I don’t know if you remember but the Lucy Godwit doll was a big seller the year the show was on........But Al...Oh ,OK, yes of course....But...no, no that's fine. Thanks, bye.(He hangs up)
LUCY No luck?
JOHN That’s it. We’ll just have to declare bankruptcy.
LUCY Not necessarily.
JOHN What else do you suggest?
LUCY I found Professor Stein for you.
JOHN You’re kidding.
LUCY Nope.
JOHN You’re a genius, where is he?
She plucksaway the flannelwhich is still on GUNTER's head. JOHN looks at
GUNTER in disbelief and looks back at LUCY.LUCY nods.
JOHN Professor Stein?
GUNTER Gavunsky izved mushvinskavut.
JOHN I’m sorry, I...
GUNTER Ah, no zpeak Russian. This is gut. I am gettink to practice my English.
JOHN Professor Stein,I'm so sorry, I had no idea it was you.If you’d like to smoke please feel free.
GUNTER Sanks.
He lights up.
JOHN I hope you don’t mind my saying, but you’re not quite how I imagined you.
GUNTER I was fixink aircon. Is bit grubby. Poor maintenance.
JOHN Lucy you don’t ask a great scientist to fix the airconditioning.
GUNTER Is OK. I vas vantink to be not hot.
JOHN Yes, I understand of course. Listen, I’ll tell Camille and you can have a nice cool spa.
GUNTER I sink I go to hotel now.
JOHN Yes, I quite understand but I know Camille would love to ...
GUNTER Ja but I sink I go to hotel pronto. Or maybe I make smelly puddle on carpet.
LUCY You should’ve said so before. It’s through there, second on the left.
GUNTER Sanks, but I sink I just wish to go to hotel tout suite. Ja?
LUCY You can't leave yet.We have to organise the media releases don’t we Daddy?
JOHN shakes his head at her.
JOHN Uh, plenty of time for that sort of thing Lucy.
LUCY What?But ...
JOHN No great hurry.
LUCY But you said if we can get him enough media we may not even need the book... (To GUNTER)You see they don’t need to read it to find out what it says. They probably won’t read it anyway. But we still have to publish it, otherwise they won’t believe what you tell them it says.
JOHN (Aside to LUCY) Look at him, who’s going to believe him? He looks like a light bulb with myxomatosis.
LUCY We can fix that.Clean him up.Give him a toupee and a suit and a pair of specs.
JOHN I’ll call Camille.
LUCY Why?
JOHN Lucy, it's her speciality.
LUCY Oh, anyone can do it!Watch.
She goes to the computer sitting on the coffee table and starts to tap in her
instruction
GUNTER I leave now bye.
He heads for the door. She grabs him.
LUCY Just hang on two secs.This won't take very long, I promise.
She drags GUNTER to the centre of the room.
LUCY Now stand there.Face this direction.
She faces him front
LUCY Smile.66, photo.
There is a flash.
LUCY 66 vision that .(to JOHN) Is the media release ready?
GUNTER’s picture appears on the screen.LUCY taps on the computer on the coffee
table.
GUNTER’s face is disconnected from the rest of his body.
He gets heavy spectacles.
Then he gets a Hitler moustache which changes to a Merv Hughes moustache, then
a beard is added.
LUCY What do you think?
JOHN More on top.
LUCY taps.
GUNTER gets very hairy.
JOHN Just a minute.66 print that and file under Neanderthal.OK go on.
LUCY keeps tapping.
JOHN 66, general media release as follows.
While JOHN dictates the media release, the images of GUNTER change through a
variety of different “looks”.CAMILLE enters unnoticed USL in a towel.She sees
GUNTER and steps back.
JOHN The world breathed a global sigh of relief last night when world renowned scientist, Professor Daniel Stein, announced that the current heatwave was certainly not an indication of global warming but the reverse. Professor Stein said that the continuing effects of a variety of natural and manmade phenomenon will soon lead to a sudden cooling of the global atmosphere even to the extent oflaunching mankind into another Ice Age.His data has been verified by weather scientists internationally.Coastal real estate prices immediately began to rise as a result ofthe announcement.
GUNTER’s image has now been perfected.
LUCY There. A different man.
JOHN He’d want to be.
LUCY I’ll go and get a tape measure
JOHN What for?
LUCY For the suit.
JOHN What a team.
He peels the printed media release from the keyboard where it has been extruded
and checks it over.
GUNTER I go to hotel now?
JOHN You know Doctor, it’s an oven out there.
GUNTER Is not much cooler in here.
JOHN Oh, believe me, it is. Why don’t you stay?
GUNTER I gettink blisters already.
JOHN We have a spare room, and it’d be better if you were out of the public eye for the time being.
GUNTER Maybe carbuncles.
JOHN Camille will be finished in a minute.You can take a long cool spa...
GUNTER OK. OK. I try be nice but is no good. So now I tellink you if I not on way to fuckink hotel double quick smart I goink straight back fuckink Petersburg. You no get book, you no get me, you go down fuckink chimney.
JOHN Alright, alright. Don’t get upset.I’ll just send this release, Lucy’ll measure you up for the suit and we’ll book you into a hotel. If that’s what you want.
GUNTER Ja, is what I fuckink want.
LUCY returns with a tape measure and starts to measure him up.
LUCY OK can you lift your arms please.
As soon as she touches him, GUNTER starts to wriggle and giggle.
LUCY Keep still.
GUNTER I can’t help.
LUCY Are you going to send it then?
JOHN I’ll just get Camille to check it first.
LUCY Why? (to GUNTER)Keep still!
GUNTER Tickles.
JOHN Why what?
LUCY Why do you need her say so for everything? She’ll only tell you it’s a stupid idea.
She puts the tape up GUNTER’s inside leg.GUNTER collapses in giggles.
LUCY I hardly touched you.
JOHN What’s stupid about it?
LUCY Nothing.
JOHN Why would she say it’s a stupid idea then?
LUCY Because it’s mine of course.But it doesn’t matter.You never make a move without her permission. Why should you start now.(to GUNTER)Will you keep still.
JOHN I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.
LUCY Oh certainment . It’s just media releases you have trouble with. And sometimes getting the spoon from the plate to your mouth.
JOHN 66, send the media release.
CAMILLE steps out behind GUNTER.
CAMILLE 66, do not send.
GUNTER turns, sees her, and screams.
LUCY (to JOHN) Told you.
JOHN 66, send the release.
CAMILLE 66, override, do not send.
JOHN 66, this is your final override, send media release immediately.
CAMILLE 66, do not send.
66 Camille, your last instruction has not been registered.Final override has been secured.Media release has been secured.
CAMILLE John, if you don’t negate that order, you'll regret it.
LUCY Careful, you’re frothing.
CAMILLE John, retract it.
JOHN Why?
66 Media release delivered to all relevant agencies.
CAMILLE Will you tell them or shall I?
GUNTER What?I’m sorry?Have you ordered that taxi for the hotel yet?
LUCY Tell us what?
CAMILLE It’s not him, you idiot.
GUNTER Yes I am.
JOHN Not Stein?
GUNTER Stein?Oh did you say Stein?Oh dear there seems to have been some terrible mistake.
CAMILLE (to LUCY)I should have known you couldn’t be trusted.
JOHN Oh shit, Lucy.
LUCY You prick.
CAMILLE You could hardly be more trouble if you tried. Utterly hopeless.
JOHN Camille.
CAMILLE Well, for God’s sake. She's as batty as her mother.
LUCY Don't you dare talk about my mother. It wasn’t my fault. He deliberately lied. I didn’t know you can’t trust anybody.
GUNTER I needed to get out of the airport. It was life or death.Really.But don’t worry, I’ll get out of your hair now.I’m on my way.Mind if I borrow that hat?
CAMILLE I’ll call immigration.
GUNTER picks up STEIN’s luggage and heads for the door.
GUNTER No, no, no, Nannine, don’t do that, please. On bended knee.
CAMILLE We have to report you. Since the refugee crisis there’s a mandatory jail sentence.
GUNTER Really? They’d put me in jail?
CAMILLE No, they’d put us in jail. They’ll put you straight back on a plane.
GUNTER Oh no. They mustn’t do that. They mustn’t do that. Please.You mustn't let them put me on a plane.
CAMILLE Why not?
GUNTER It'll crash. And I'll die. Not to mention all the poor innocent souls who’ll go down with me.
CAMILLE Oh, for God’s sake.
GUNTER It's true.
LUCY You don't even know which plane you’re going to be on. How could you possibly know it’ll crash?
GUNTER It’s a confluence of statistics.
LUCY I beg your pardon?
(He is about to tell her but decides against it)
GUNTER It’s complicated. I know it sounds a bit far-fetched, but it’s true. You'll just have to take my word for it.
Pause.
GUNTER I realise that’s probably asking a lot under the circumstances but look, for your own sakes... Imagine having the deaths of hundreds of people on your conscience.
CAMILLE opens her phone.
CAMILLE It’s much too hot to waste time listening to...
GUNTER I’ll fix your air con.
CAMILLE Can you mend it?
GUNTER Can I mend it!My card.
He hands her his card.
CAMILLE (reading)Gunter Noosboom, Servo-Mechanist, Airconditioning, Thermostats and all Self-Regulatory Systems.Stay cool but care.
GUNTER My motto.
CAMILLE (reading)Specialising in the Tundra 400.
GUNTER That’s the integrated climate control system for airports. I helped to develop it for the Permafrost Corporation of Budapest.
CAMILLE I can’t say I’ve heard of them.
GUNTER A fine old company.They were bought out by Delport eight years ago and we were moved to Seoul.So what do you say?Do you want to fry for another two months or be cool?
CAMILLE Oh alright, how long will it take you?
GUNTER Hard to say.I’ll have to check it out first.
CAMILLE I’ll give you an hour.
JOHN’s phone beeps.
JOHN Hello.
GUNTER I’ll need another bottle of Coke and the block of milk chocolate if you wouldn’t mind Lucy.No, make it the rum and raisin.
JOHN He’s not available at the moment.
GUNTER And I think this is going to be a half a packet of smokes job.
CAMILLE You can’t smoke in here.
GUNTER I could when I was Stein.
JOHN We’ll be organising a media conference.Please leave your details with my computer register.After the beep.Thankyou.Goodbye.
GUNTER And I can’t go and smoke outside can I?I get a reaction to the heat you see.Blisters. Pus.
CAMILLE All right.All right.
GUNTER Andthe Coke and chocolate?
CAMILLE Lucy,go and get him his Coke.
LUCY is about to argue.
CAMILLE Don't argue. You've already caused enough trouble today.
LUCY heads to the kitchen.
GUNTER And the chocolate. Thanks.
LUCY exits.GUNTER goes into the air conditioning duct.
JOHN That was Reuters.They want to interview Stein.
CAMILLE Well you have put us in a pickle haven’t you?
JOHN You’re the publicist.I never wanted to buy the damn property in the first place.
CAMILLE It’s your own fault.You said it was going to cool down after a few weeks.
JOHN It will.It will.it’s just taking longer than I thought it would.But we need the media to sell Stein’s book.
CAMILLE In the first place there isn’t a damn book and in the second place, even if there was he can’t sell it if he’s dead.
JOHN Nobody knows that.He can still put out media releases.
CAMILLE You don't make news without vision.
JOHN We’ve got him. (He indicates the picture on the screen) They don’t have to talk to him.
CAMILLE Have it your way.I need another cold spa.God I hate this weather, I’m exhausted.
JOHN Have another V8 fix.
CAMILLE I don’t want another V8 fix thankyou it makes me feel like a junkie.
JOHN It’s only a vitamin supplement.Now that you're pregnant you're going to need it, especially in this heat.
CAMILLE My thigh’s like a dartboard.
JOHN I’ll put it into one of thosechocolates that you like.
CAMILLE How do you do that?
JOHN Just inject it through the chocolate into the liquor.
CAMILLE Why didn’t you tell me?
JOHN You don’t get the full blast if you take it orally.
CAMILLE Yes, I’ve found that. Bring them to me in the spa.
She goes to the aircon duct.
CAMILLE If it’s not fixed by the time I get back, we ring immigration.
GUNTER (Off) Yo.
LUCY arrives back with Coke and chocolate and slams them down on the coffee table.
GUNTER appears from the aircon duct carrying a large heavy-looking piece
of equipment.At the top of it is a distinctive metal loop with a spring attached.
JOHN has produced a box of chocolates and a syringe and begins to inject the
chocolates.
GUNTER Could someone hold this for me?
LUCY Get a robot.
GUNTER John?
JOHN Lucy.
LUCY No.I’m not a child.I may look like a child and behave like a child but I’m out of the service and you can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. And I’m not gophering for that fat creep.
GUNTER You don’t look like a child to me.
LUCY Suck shit.
GUNTER Oh I see, well that's short and to the point.Here it’s not heavy.
He thrusts the piece of equipment at her.She takes it. It’s heavy.
LUCY Jesus! (to JOHN) What are you doing to the chocolates?
JOHN It's a vitamin supplement for Camille.
LUCY Can't she take a vitaminpill like everyone else?
JOHN Pregnant women have particular needs.
LUCY I know what she needs.
JOHN’s phone rings.
JOHN Hello ?...
LUCY Will you please hurry up?
JOHN Alice! I’m so glad you called back. Listen I have a great idea for a new series. It's about....
LUCY If you take much longer with this I shall drop it on your head.
GUNTER Be careful with that it’s the thermostat compression modulator. They’re delicate.
JACK No, no, no, you'll like this one, really. It's about extinction you see. It's very topical. And I thought we could focus particularly on Neanderthals you see because.... Oh, well, they were a kind of early human but they were very hairy and gentle and cuddly and I thought a Neanderthal doll might be popular, we could give one away to every new subscriber, what do you think?
He cradles the phone against his ear with his shoulder and keeps injecting the
chocolates.
JOHN Sorry?...Stein?... Why?... Oh, I see, uh, no he’s not talking to anyone.He hates publicity, especially TV.But perhaps we could look at some sort of pro-rata arrangement...Oh.No that’s OK.Yes, sure, no problem. See you later. ( He hangs up. )Damn you!
He puts down the syringe and heads for the door with the chocolates.
GUNTER No luck.
JOHN cast him a disgusted look and exits.
GUNTER Obviously not.
LUCY I hope you don't expect me to hold this up for much longer?
GUNTER Not much longer.
LUCY I think I'm going to faint.
GUNTER Not much longer but...
LUCY But what?
GUNTER But, could you hold it a bit higher.
LUCY Oh, for heaven's sake.
GUNTER And if you could pass me that glass of Coke.
LUCY What?!
GUNTER And if you could pass me that glass of...
LUCY Sure.
She reaches for the Coke and drops the heavy equipment on GUNTER’s toe.
GUNTER yells.LUCY holds out the Coke.
LUCY Here.
GUNTER is doubled up in pain.
LUCY Don’t you want it then?
GUNTER What did you do that for?
LUCY I didn’t mean to.
GUNTER Yes you did.
LUCY What did you expect.
GUNTER I think it’s broken.
LUCY Serves you right.
GUNTER What have I ever done to you?
LUCY Oh, don’t come the innocent with me buddy. To start with you made me look like a gullible idiot.
GUNTER It was life or death.
LUCY And Jumbos fly with their ears.
GUNTER They would have put me back on the plane to Moscow.
LUCY At leastit's cold. You might stop sweating.
GUNTER I’d never reach it.The plane'd crash.
LUCY Let me give you some advice. Even I find that story unconvincing. So I wouldn’t bother trying it on anyone else.
GUNTER It's true.
LUCY Do you really think I’m intellectually challenged?
GUNTER And now you wrecked this thermostat system.I’ll never fix it in an hour. She’ll call immigration and they’ll haul me back onto a plane. I’ve had it.
He takes his shoe off.
LUCY Oh phew!How long is it since you changed your socks?
GUNTER I’ve been in transit for a few days.Look it’s twice the size of the other one.You’ve crippled me.
LUCY Well, it’s your own fault. You have no idea what a bad day this was to make me look stupid.
GUNTER Have pity.
LUCY Oh, pulease!
GUNTER Have pity on a harmless, crippled refugee...
LUCY Harmless!?
GUNTER ... with no home, or family, or friends...
LUCY What can I do anyway?
GUNTER ... the spectre of death hovering over his naked scabrous head.
LUCY Alright, alright. Chill out.I’ll take you to a hotel. I can’t do any more than that.
GUNTER I don’t have any money.
LUCY For goodness sake. Nobody uses that stuff. You’ve got to have plastic.
GUNTER I don’t have any of that either.
LUCY I've got a spare card. I’ll show you how to access Camille's charge account.
GUNTER I don’t know about that.
LUCY She won’t miss it. Nowplease put your boot back on before we’re asphyxiated.
GUNTER I don’t think I can.It’s too swollen.
LUCY Wonderful. It’s not enough I risk jail for harbouring a refugee, my car gets saturated with odour of toejam.
66 We have a visitor.Identification declined.
LUCY goes to a unit on the wall and pushes a button.
LUCY Hello, who is it?
VOICE Dick Delport
LUCY I knew he’d come!
GUNTER Oh Christ, oh Christ.
LUCY What is it?
GUNTER He’s following me.
LUCY Who? Dick? Why?
GUNTER I don’t know but he’ll want me back on the plane too. Why can’t people leave me alone.
LUCY He probably doesn’t even know you’re here.
GUNTER What’s he doing here then?
LUCY There are other people in the world you know. You’re not the centre of it. Why don’t you go and wash your feet.
GUNTER I’ll wash them at the hotel.
LUCY No hurry.You should put some cold water on that toe. Stop it from swelling.
GUNTER What if she comes down and calls immigration?
LUCY She can’t take the heat either.She’ll be in the spa for hours.
GUNTER How can I wash my feet then?
LUCY Use the bathroom, through there and up the stairs.
GUNTER Don’t tell him I’m here.
LUCY As if he’d care.
GUNTER exits reluctantly.
LUCY 66, if he asks, tell Dick Delport that there isn't anyone here.
She pushes the button on the wall.
LUCY Come in.
We hear the front door open.
66 Welcome Richard Delport Junior.
DICK enters.
LUCY Hello.
DICK Hi.Is he here?
66 No.He isn’t here.
DICK You said that without moving your lips.
LUCY It’s a network 66.They’re very responsive.
DICK Yes, we have a 66.But she isn’t as responsive as that unless she’s been programmed.66, how long has Professor Stein been here?
66 Twenty four minutes.
DICK Would you mind?It’s important.
LUCY That’s so rude.
DICK I’m an animal.
LUCY You’re a scuz-bucket. Are we going to mention last night at all?
DICK What's to say?
LUCY If you think that's the cool attitude for the new millennium, you're ten years out of date buddy.
DICK I’d like to badinage like this all day Lucy but I’m on a tight schedule.Can you tell Professor Stein ...
LUCY I suppose I should’ve expected it after this morning.
DICK This morning?
LUCY “I must’ve had a thousand women” - ring a bell?
DICK I couldn’t remember the exact number.
LUCY You were my first.
DICK I’m honoured.
LUCY You said you loved me.
DICK Yeah, but, you know, I mean, I didn't mean it. It’s just what you say isn’t it. It’s polite. And let’s face it, if I didn’t say it, you wouldn't've fucked me.
LUCY You seemed so attractive and clever and sincere.
DICK It's genetic.
LUCY They must’ve put something in the punch.
DICK Hey, but don’t misunderstand. If I was looking for a wife, you’d be the one. Dinkum. In the meantime can you get Stein in here, I want to talk to him.
LUCY I cannot begin to tell you what a disappointing day this has been.
DICK 66 where’s Professor Stein?
66 Professor Stein is currently occupying the bathroom.
DICK 66, tell him Dick Delport has booked him a world cruise on the QE2. Sails tonight. No flying involved.
JOHN enters and almost trips over the aircon equipment which is still on the floor next
to the door.
JOHN Who the hell put that there?
LUCY I suppose I did. Sorry Daddy.
DICK Dr Leicester, I'm Dick Delport we met last night.
JOHN Yes,I know who you are.
DICK I’m a big fan of yours Doctor. They used to show us your Evolution videos in Biol class at school . They blew me away. Used to come straight after chapel. In one morning we went from Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to natural selection and survival of the fittest. I don’t need to tell you which one made the most sense to me.
JOHN Some species also survive by cooperation.
DICK Only after they’ve worked out the pecking order.
CAMILLE enters and stubs her toe on the aircon equipment.
CAMILLE Owww! Christ! What the hell’s that?
LUCY I believe it’s a thermostat compression modulator.
DICK Hi Milly.
CAMILLE What the hell are you doing here?
DICK Came to have a word with Stein.
JOHN Professor Stein isn't talking to anyone.
DICK Mind if I ask him myself?
GUNTERappears at the door.
DICK Good to see you Professor Stein.
GUNTER Ah, ja, we quick smart go board ship, ja?
He goes over the aircon equipment flat on his face behind the sofa.
DICK Or should I say Mr Noosboom?
GUNTER’s face appears from behind the sofa.
GUNTER Beg your pardon?
DICK They salvaged the plane that crashed. Your seat was empty Mr Noosboom. Then Stein showed up in Moscow. Took the train from Petersburg apparently.
GUNTER He’s alive!
DICK Then they told me about you and your own particular “importance” to us and I realised that the man at the airport calling himself Stein and prattling about airconditioners must be you.So I thought I’d better come and pick you up myself.
GUNTER Well, that’s nice. That’s very, very kind but unfortunately as it happens I’ve made other plans. So if you’ll excuse us, Lucy I think if we’re going now’s the time.
DICK I wouldn’t try anything silly Prof.
GUNTER Ah but you see I’ve got a few things to take care of and Lucy was kind enough to offer to ...
DICK Pyong Yang airport’s over-heating. You'll be flying Ansett International. There’s a couple of burly blokes from immigration waiting outside to take you back to the airport .
GUNTER Why? I’m not really Stein. I’m notimportant.
DICK No, you don’t come too high on the pecking order do you.
GUNTER Seed rates higher than me
DICK We’d just like you out of harm’s way.
LUCY What harm can he possibly do?
DICK No harm at all now.
GUNTER If I get on a plane it'll crash.
DICK Sorry mate. But we're looking for maximum penetration of themarket.We can’t let you run around loose, you might scare the punters.And I've got a warehouse full of air conditioners to move before it cools down.If it ever does.
GUNTER What model are they?
DICK Fridgematic 2000.
GUNTER The one I was working on when the accident happened.
DICK They've been sitting in the warehouse ever since.
LUCY What accident?
CAMILLE Lucy, shutup. What accident? What’s wrong with them?
GUNTER The coolant's toxic.
DICK Only if you swim in it.
GUNTER And the thermostats are faulty.They only turn themselves off below 19 degrees.
CAMILLE So?
GUNTER They use much more power.And they wear out ten years before they need to.
DICK Early obsolescence is expected. The global economy was built on it.
He goes to the door.
DICK Let’s go.
GUNTER There's an additive you can put in the coolant that stabilises the gases and reduces their toxicity.Very easy, very cheap.And it'd negate the active ozone depleting agents in the CFCs.
DICK How cheap?
GUNTER $50 a unit... a hundred thousand units...half a million, roughly.
DICK Can't afford it.
LUCY Skin cancer kills thousands of people a year.
DICK We sell them sunscreen. We sell them hats. What more do you want?
CAMILLE I'm sorry, but as committed environmentalists, we can't just sit back and let these machines be marketed.Knowingthat faults exist and that these destructive chemicals ...
DICK Yes, I figured this situation’d come up. How much do you want for your sand dunes?
CAMILLE Eight million.
DICK One.
CAMILLE Take him away.
LUCY You just said you couldn't afford half a million for something that mightsave us all from the greenhouse effect.
DICK Lucy, the very mention of the Greenhouse Effect warmsthe cockles of my heart.
LUCY My learning curve keeps getting steeper.
DICK Let’s go. The limo's waiting.
GUNTER You're going to kill me. Not to mention the innocent souls who'll go down with me.
DICK Sorry Prof.You'll be fine.You'll be in Pyong Yang for breakfast.
GUNTER Listen.I know you don't believe me. I can understand that. I probably wouldn't either. But that's because you don't know.And I know it might not make any difference, but I do feel I owe you an explanation.And if you still don't accept it, and you put me on the plane and it crashes, and I die, I still won't expect you to feel guilty about it.
DICK That's good of you but I’ve got a busy schedule...
GUNTER Dick, please,a condemned man's last request.
DICK OK.Keep it short.
GUNTER OK. Well...
He goes to light a cigarette, then catches JOHN's eye.
GUNTER Oh, sorry.
JOHN It's alright.Go on, smoke it.
GUNTER No, no.In appreciation of your hospitality, I will resist my addiction.
JOHN Oh for God's sake smoke it!Here.
He lights it for GUNTER.
GUNTER Thanks.(Takes a puff)Statistics are a fascinating and strange phenomenon.
DICK Just get to the facts Prof.
GUNTER Four years ago, I caught a plane out of Teneriffe.Seven days later, on the same flight, a DC 450 collided with an incoming passenger plane from Manchester.About two years after that I took a plane from Amsterdam to Madrid. Six days later, on the same flight ,the tail section fell off.Actually it landed in the middle of a football field. Killed Spain's favourite goal-keeper.It was about a year after that that a hole blew out of a DC 10 flying from Caracas to New York.I was on the same route five days earlier .Then the fuselage of a jumbo flying from Tokyo to Manilla split across the wing span.I had arrived at Manilla four days before.Then the central emergency exit fell out of a Boeing Triple 7 flying from LA to Chicago.Where I had arrived two days earlier.That was two months ago. And I was just one flightahead of today's crash. The next time I take an aeroplane anywhere there's only one way it's going to land. Very quickly.And Professor Stein looked at my flight schedules and he agreed. and he's a statistician. Come to think of it if he's still alive you can ask him.
DICK (Already on the phone) Well, you sold me Prof.... Browning? How much equity have we got left in Ansett International? ... Right. Sell it. ...I don't care, whatever you can get....Then buy Qantas....As much as we can afford....No, I'm busy.
LUCY I think I've learnt as much as I ever want to know.
DICK Big call but it'll be a quick return on the investment.
LUCY He thinks he's going to die! Can't you do anything?
CAMILLE What do you suggest?
DICK pulls out a cheque book and a pen
DICK Look, I'm sorry he's pissing himself, but here, ( he gives GUNTER a cheque,)when you get to Pyong Yang buy yourself a Coke.
66 We have a visitor.
The door chimes.
DICK Pyong Yang calling.
GUNTER It's a death knell.
Blackout.
We hear the voice of a pilot.
PILOT Perth Control, lights are now back on engines 1 and 2 over ... (crackle)... Mayday Perth Control, now have warning lights on all engines.Losing altitude. Nil engine response ... (crackle) ... Mayday Mayday Mayday ... (crackle) ... Can’t stabilise, flaps won’t respond, we’re going down ... (crackle) ... Mother of God, what was that!!? ... (crackle) ... Oh Christ, she’s dropping ... (crackle) ... someone banging on the door ... (crackle) ... Oh God I’m sorry!!I love you Dennis.
Lights flicker on GUNTER asleep in the aircraft seat.He wakes with a start. He
shakes his head and whinnies.
GUNTER Hooley Dooley it’s hot.
PILOT Ladies and Gentlemen, Ansett International apologises for the delay.We seem to be encountering technical difficulties with the airconditioning system.We hope to be on our way to Pyong Yang just as soon as the problem is located.
GUNTER holds up the loop of metal with the spring attached which we recognise
from the previous aircon unit.He looks at it and looks at the audience and
shrugs.
Blackout.
End of Act One
ACT 2
Scene 1
In the blackout we here the voice of the pilot again.
PILOT Ladies and gentlemen,This is your co-pilot, Captain David Clark speaking. Due to a fault in the air conditioning system our flight has been postponed. Ansett International apologises for the delay but we will be transferring to another aircraft as soon as possible. Flight attendants, please prepare disembarkation procedures.
SFX. Airport. External. Passengers disembarking. A scream. A thud. Footsteps running.
VOICE Mummy, why is that fat man running away?
Silence
Lights up on Officer Harold, as Cyril limps on, breathless
OFFICER It is of great concern to me, Cyril, that you are here by yourself.
CYRIL He got away from me, sir.
OFFICER I told you to handcuff him.
CYRIL I thought if he tried anything I could beat him senseless but when we were disembarking from the plane he pushed me down the stairs. Could've killed me.
OFFICER We're a cruel species.
CYRIL He went in this direction, I thought he'd bump into you.
OFFICER Have you checked the kennels?
CYRIL I scoured the place.
OFFICER What about the freezer?
CYRIL He'd hardly be in there, sir. It's 40 degrees below in there. Maybe customs have spotted him.
OFFICER I hope they have Cyril. For your sake lad, I hope they have.
They exit.
Blackout
Lights up on GUNTER in the airport freezer. A deep blue light.
GUNTER is sitting in front of a pile offrozen airline dinners.
(His movements are accompanied by an electronic icy
tinkling). He tries to eat but they’re frozen solid. He tries to
drink from a bottle ofcoke but that's frozentoo.He tries to
light a cigarette - no luck. He starts to lick the airline dinner
but it gets stuck to his tongue.
The lights fade.
Scene 2
The entrance to an amusement arcade. Indicated by a flashing
neon advertising"Cyber City -On the Beach'- $10 per hour - No smoking-
- On line Internet and E-mail modems’. Next door is aGovernment Public
Service Teller Machine. In the distance we hear the pounding of the sea.
LUCY is waiting outside. REEVE enters from inside the arcade.
REEVE Lucy Leicester!
LUCY Oh. Hello Reeve
REEVE Not very safe for a girl by herself at this time of night in this neck of the woods.
LUCY I'm meeting someone.
REEVE Don't worry sweets, I'll watch out for you.
LUCY Thankyou Reeve, but actually...
REEVE I don't suppose you've gotta smoke on you, sweets?
LUCY pulls a carton ofcigarettes from the plastic bagshe's carrying.Takes
out a packet and givesREEVE acigarette.
REEVE (takes cigarette)Thanks. You should becareful sweets, that shit can kill you. Listen ...... uh ...... can I score a couple for later?
LUCY gives him the packet.
LUCY Here.
REEVE Whoa! Beaauty! Thanks pal, thanks heaps.
He lights acigarette, his hand shakes, he stretches.
REEVE Doesn't get much cooler when the sun goes down, does it?
LUCY You don't look very well.
REEVE Haven't slept for three days. Been on the screen. It's busy on the bahn.
LUCY I'm sorry?
REEVE The Info bahn, man. The blood stream of the global system.
LUCY Oh, yes. Of course. Do you think they'd miss you if you took a nap?
REEVE Got to keep your eye on the ball and your finger on the pulse. You don't want to be caught with yourguard down.
LUCY No you certainly don't.
REEVE It's gonna happen sooner or later and when It does I wanna be ready.
LUCY What?
REEVE What?
LUCY What's going to happen?
REEVE What's going to ......? Jesus! The big one sunshine. The last hurrah. The end, my friend, the end!
LUCY You mean the greenhouse thing?
REEVE Greenhouse, my house! More likely to be the reverse.
LUCY Sorry?
REEVE There's some Russian forecasting a New Ice Age. Then there's the old giant meteorite scenario. That's what fucked up the dinosaurs. Or the big rocker wipes out Tokyo.They're all getting shorter odds than the greenhouse.But I've got my money on the bug that eats penicillin for breakfast coming out of south China and wiping us out in a week. Whatever the fuck it is, it's due. It's gotta happen soon. And when it happens, whatever it is, I'll be ready.
LUCY You've got to sleep sometime.
REEVE You're right. I've got a rented room up the street. Would you like to come and tuck me in sweets.
Hetries to grope her. Sheavoids him.
LUCY I don't think so.
REEVE Too hot to sleep anyway,we could just mess about. C'mon! It'd be fun.
LUCY Reeve, please. Get real.
REEVE You may think I'm a loser now, Lucy but the last one standingrules the gene pool and when the social fabric unwinds I'll have my territory staked out and they won't dare take it from me.
LUCY Won't they?
REEVE No way. I've got the key to a virus that canbreak up the computer system that holds together the international security network run by the military industrial complex. If they try anything man, I can trash the whole box and dice.
LUCY Ah yes, of course.
REEVE But I'll look after you, sweets. You cantrust me. You'll be safe. No-one'll hurt you Lucy, not on my watch.
LUCY You'd better get back to the highway. You don't want to miss your bus.
REEVE Think about it. You and me. I'mtalking about a win-win situation. Don't you be a loser, Lucy.
He exits into the 'CyberBeach'. LUCY waits.
GUNTER pops his head outfrombehind something. He waves at LUCY, trying
to attract her attention. She doesn't see him. He waves harder.
GUNTER Pssst!
LUCY sees him and takes the plastic bag over. They both check to see that
no-one is watching.
LUCY Here.
GUNTER takes the bag and pulls out acoat and a hat.
LUCY I hope it fits.
GUNTER puts on the coat and the hat. They are both too small.
GUNTER Did youbring supplies?
LUCY pulls out a bar of chocolate anda bottle ofCoke out of the bag.
GUNTER Bliss.(He eats and drinks)Cigarettes?
She gives him the cigarettes
GUNTER This is very kind of you.I didn’t know who else to call.
LUCY If you ever need to call me again, this is my mobile number.(she hands him a piece of paper)There’s less risk.
GUNTER Affirmative.
He eats, drinks and smokes.
GUNTER Still pretty hot isn't it.
LUCY How long were you in the freezer for?
GUNTER All day.
LUCY At minus 40?
GUNTER It seemed to agree with me. I hope I can repay the favour one day.
LUCY You can.
GUNTER You name it.
LUCY I want to know why Dick Delport was so keen to get you back on a plane?
GUNTER I witnessed accident at the plant in Seoul.
LUCY At his air-conditioner factory?
GUNTER Where we were building the Fridgematic 2000s.The entirechemical plant went. I was the sole survivor.
LUCY I never heard of it.
GUNTER They kept it very quiet.
LUCY Why didn’t you do something.
GUNTER What could I do? They put me straight onto the airport circuit. I didn’t havea passport. I couldn’t get inside a national boundary.I was a non-person.I still am.
Pause.
LUCY You could get married.Then they couldn't get rid of you.And you could sue them.
GUNTER Who'd marry me? What woman in her right mind would want to bond her chromosomes with mine?
LUCY I'm sure there's a woman somewhere.
GUNTER No there isn't.
LUCY How do you know?
GUNTER Becauseevery woman wants to give her offspring the best genes she can get.And I'm not very well adapted to the 21st century.
LUCY You’ve survived so far.
GUNTER By the skin of my teeth.
LUCY Haven't you ever tried...?
GUNTER To bond my chromosomes?Yes I did once. Well, more than once. Every second Sunday for two months in fact.
LUCY With the same woman?
GUNTER Oh yes. She was a rather sexy but mildly anal-retentive woman from Kiev.She believed that the act of love should be commemorated by marking a period of time between each occasion.And I’ll say this Lucy, every second Sunday for those two glorious months was a carnival.
LUCY What happened to her?
GUNTER She developed an abiding passion for a Japanese used car dealer in Pyong Yang.
LUCY And she was the only woman in your life?
GUNTER Well, there was the Latvian chemist I once tried to get to know better but the fates had other plans.
LUCY No luck?
GUNTER It was very lucky actually. For me. She was the reason I was in the chemical plant when the accidenthappened .I wasn't supposed to be there at all, I'm a thermostat technician. But I swapped shifts with one of the lab assistants so I could, you know, get to chat. When the explosion happened I was blown into a vat of the new coolant they were using. By the time I surfaced everything was a smoking pile of ash. Including the Latvian chemist. A day or two later my hair fell out and my skin started falling off.And now my metabolism goes haywire without a steady supply of Coke, chocolate and nicotine. So you see I’m not what you’d call a natural selection.
LUCY All the more reason to sue him.
GUNTER How can I sue him? I'm a fugitive.
LUCY Have you got a birth certificate?
GUNTER Yes I have actually. Why?
LUCY I think you'll need one.
GUNTER What for?
LUCY For the wedding.
GUNTER I'm sorry?
LUCY My mother's got mine but she's not far away.
GUNTER Wedding?
LUCY That's why I told you to meet me here.
GUNTER You mean, to get married?
LUCY That's whatweddings are normally for.
GUNTER I...I...I'm not sure that I ...
LUCY Don't you want to?
GUNTER Well don’t think I’m not grateful, but I don’t quite understand what you get out of.
LUCY I want you to sue him.
GUNTER Dick? Why?
LUCY Revenge.
GUNTER Revenge? Why? What did he...?
LUCY Don't ask. Come on. It's not far. It's that caravan park over there with the sign.
GUNTER "Church of the Interplanetary Christ " retirement village.
LUCY And try not to make too much noise. If she's still be asleep we might frighten her.
GUNTER You mean she might think it's Jesus arriving in his flying saucer.
LUCY Don’t let her think you’re laughing at her, she can be spiteful.
GUNTER I’ll do my best.
LUCY You’re the one who thinks you're going to die from a confluence of statistics.
GUNTER Look at that sunrise.The water looks purple.
LUCY It is.There was a big copper iodine spill up the coast a couple of years ago.Pretty isn’t it?
GUNTER If you like looking at the world through mauve coloured glasses.
LUCY I wish I had a pair.
GUNTER puts his arm around her.
GUNTER Things could be worse.We’re both tired.We should go down onto the beach and snatch a nap.
LUCY I thought you were worried about the sun.
GUNTER Just for a few minutes.
LUCY looks at his hand on her shoulder.
LUCY Is this you coming on?
GUNTER No! No!I was just trying to be ...
LUCY What?
GUNTER Comforting.
LUCY Oh sure.
GUNTER It wasn't like that.
LUCY Don't worry.I won't sue.
GUNTER I wouldn't...
LUCY Why not?
GUNTER WelI, I know I'm not...
LUCY You're what?
GUNTER I'm not at my most attractive at this time ofthe morning.
LUCY Come on.She's usually up by sunrise.
Scene 3
The caravan.A compact space with a bench bed
facing two TVs.Above the head of the bed is an airconditioner.
Crucifixes and pictures of Christ are on the walls.JUDY is lying
on the bed watching football on TV, the sound is low.As she
watches she tuts and shakes her head, then suddenly -
JUDY Oh!You silly bastard!
There is a knock.
JUDY It’s open!
The door on the upstage wall of the caravan opens and LUCY
enters.GUNTER is behind her.
JUDY Oh hello LucyLucy.Oh!Look at you!You’ve grown!
LUCY No I haven’tmummy, don’t be silly.Sit down so we can fit someone else in.
JUDY Sit down here darling and give Mummy a cuddle.
JUDY sits up on her bed so that LUCY can squeeze in next to her.
GUNTER squeezes in behind and closes the door.
GUNTER It’s not much cooler in here, is it?
JUDY Oh.
GUNTER Howdy.
LUCY Judy, this is Gunter. Gunter, Judy.We need something.
JUDY I thought you might.
GUNTER is getting hot.He scratches.
LUCY Don’tpretend it’s the only time I come and see you.
JUDY Oh no, sometimes you just come from a fit of the guilts.
GUNTER Whooo boy.Is your aircon working Judy?
JUDY It’s on the blink.
GUNTER Mind if I have a look?
JUDY What for?
GUNTER See if I can fix it?
JUDY Are you staying?
LUCY No, don’t worry.
GUNTER Excuse me, I’ll just take my shoes off.
JUDY What?!Why?
GUNTER So I can get on the bed.
JUDY What for?
GUNTER To fix your aircon.
JUDY I’ve had four people in to try and fix that so far.What makes you think your going to be able to?
GUNTER Have faith.
JUDY Don’t talk to me about faith. I’ve been praying to the good Lord every day for three months.It’d take a bloody miracle to fix that.
GUNTER He works in mysterious ways.
JUDY Huh. Darling I’d love you to stay!Do you mind if I have the telly on, it’s the semi-final.Phew!When did you last wash your feet?
LUCY Have you got my birth certificate.
JUDY (watching the TV) What darling?
LUCY My birth certificate.
JUDY What do you want that for?Ow!Mind where you’re putting your feet.
GUNTER has climbed onto the bed to try and reach the
airconditioner.
GUNTER Excuse me, could I just squeeze in here?
JUDY and LUCY shift down the bed.GUNTER climbs over them to
get to the airconditioner.
LUCY It’s not important what I want it for.Have you got it?
JUDY It must be here somewhere I suppose.
GUNTER pulls the front panel off the aircon.
GUNTER Can I just put this down here.
The women shift down a bit further.JUDY watches TV again.
LUCY Well?
JUDY Well what?
LUCY Where is it?
JUDY What do you want it for?
LUCY None of your business.
JUDY Is it for a passport?Are you going away somewhere?Why won’t you tell me?
LUCY We’re just getting married so that he can stay in the country, that's all.
JUDY Married?Oh darling that’s wonderful.Who to?
LUCY Him.
JUDY Him!?
GUNTER takes a familiar looking part out of the airconditioner and hands it to JUDY.
GUNTER Could you just hold this for me?
LUCY It’s just so he can get a passport.
JUDY You can’t treat marriage like that, it’s disrespectful to Jesus.
LUCY Says who?
JUDY Says Jesus.He’s coming soon Lucy-Lou.You should turn to him before it’s too late.
LUCY Fine, I’ll just look for it myself.
LUCY crouches next to the bed, pulls out a drawer from underneath and delves into it.
JUDY If you want to go with him on Judgement Day, you have tell him you love him before he arrives.Otherwise they won’t let you into heaven.
GUNTER It’s a bit like getting a visa isn’t it?Have you got a screwdriver?
JUDY In that drawer.
GUNTER reaches down and pulls out a couple of screwdrivers.
LUCY I won’t stop until I find it.
GUNTER Could you hold this for me?
JUDY Have you ever thought of using a deodorant.Oh look lovey look look.Martin Bramble’s kicking for a goal.Look at those shoulders!You should see this lovey.This is the finest specimen of 21st century man flesh you will ever see.Why couldn’t you find a man like that?
GUNTER pulls out another part which cause the airconditioner to
suddenly get noisier.
GUNTER Voila!
JUDY That’s hot! You’ve put it on hot!
GUNTER Uh oh.
He tries to hide the part that he has just extracted.
JUDY What are you doing for Christ’s sake, we’ll be cooked alive.Turn it off!Turn it off!
GUNTER Right, right, right.(a hot switch)Ouch, ouch.Whoooboy, whoooboy.
GUNTER manages to turn off the airconditioner.
GUNTER There you go.No problem.
JUDY Now I haven’t got any cool at all.
LUCY Gotcha!
She extracts a certificate from the drawer.
LUCY Oh, no it’s not.
JUDY I’ll just turn on the gymnastics.I do enjoy them.
LUCY What’s this?
JUDY Can you turn it on for me lovey?
LUCY turns on the other TV.She waves the certificate at JUDY.
LUCY What is it?
JUDY Oh will you look at that, turning over forwards and sideways at the same time in mid-air.Isn’t she beautiful.You should have been there LucyLou.Your father always said you were a perfect physical specimen.He had such high hopes for you.Isn’t she amazing. She should get together with Martin Bramble shouldn’t she lovey?Wouldn’t they have perfect children?Like the ones in the pictures they show you of what heaven’s like.
LUCY waves the certificate at her again and thrusts it under her nose.
LUCY What is it?
JUDY What’s that? (she takes it) What’s that doing here?It’s your fathers, give it back to him will you lovey?
She hands it back to LUCY.Suddenly an alarm goes off.JUDY
screams.
GUNTER It’s OK, it’s OK, it’s just the smoke detector.
He climbs across the two of them and stands on the corner of
the bed to reach the alarm.
JUDY Turn it off.Turn it off.I can’t hear the TV!
LUCY It’s permission to have hormone injections.What do you need hormones for?
JUDY That was when I was still pregnant with you lovey.Your father said I was a bit short.
LUCY Why did he need you to sign a release form?
JUDY God I don’t know lovey, ask him. Oh For God's sake turn it off before I go barmy.
The alarm goes off.
JUDY Thank heavens, what a commotion.
LUCY How many injections did he give you?
JUDY I don’t know, about six a day.
She suddenly sits up.
JUDY Oooh what’s that?Oooooh oh oh, oh that’s wonderful.Did you do that?
GUNTER Well I suppose ...
JUDY That’s the first bit of cool I’ve had for three months.Aren’t you clever.What was your name again?
GUNTER Gunter.
LUCY What did you need so many injections for?
JUDY I don’t know lovey, ask your father.Ooooh isn’t that cool just divine.Here let me get in front of it.
GUNTER and JUDY swap positions on the bed with some difficulty.
JUDY You’ve got a bit of a BO problem haven’t you.Aaah that’s better.Isn’t she a beautiful girl?She was such a sweet child .She went to live with her father and that woman. But I've never held it against her.I pray to Jesus every day to forgive her.
GUNTER I’ll be praying for her too, Judy.
JUDY Are you with the Lord, Gunter?
GUNTER I have always felt a deep respect for the symbolic power of his sacrifice.But you know he wasn’t the first to come, don’t you Judy?
JUDY Oh yes, I know, I know.Adam was the first.
GUNTER He came far across the galaxy all those years ago to bring the first seeds of humanity to the earth.
JUDY And then he came again as Jesus.
GUNTER And I'm sure he’ll be back again soon.
JUDY Yes, yes, he’s coming again.
GUNTER And Judy, even in the short time I’ve spent with your daughter, I’ve seen her coming closer to Jesus every day.
JUDY Oh!Bless you!
JUDY reaches under the bed and pulls out a birth certificate.
She hands it to GUNTER.
JUDY You’re like an angel come to save my lovey’s soul.
GUNTER I’ll do my best.
JUDY Bless you lovey.Bless you.
LUCY Thank God for that.Now sign this.Here’s a pen.
JUDY signs.
JUDY Is that all?Wouldn’t you like to stay for a cup of tea?
LUCY No we’ve got to go, I’ll call you.
LUCY opens the door and steps out.
LUCY It’s just as cool out here.
GUNTER That’s a coincidence.
JUDY sticks her head out.
JUDY It’s a miracle.
LUCY Don’t be silly.Come on.
JUDY It was him.He did it.It’s a sign.You were sent by God.Oh don’t go away lovey.Stay for a cup of tea.
LUCY Bye!
JUDY Oh Lord!Could it be him?
Blackout.
Scene 4
LUCYandGUNTER are back at the Public Service Teller Machine.
LUCY inserts a card . The screen rises.
LUCY It’ll give you whatever you want if you’ve got the right form.
She punches a button.
GUNTER That’s new.
LUCY It put most of the public service out of work but it’s a lot more efficient.
GUNTER And a lot more polite I expect.
PSTM Thank you very much.Department please.
LUCY Government registry office.
PSTM Function please.
LUCY Marriage.
PSTM Are you sure?
LUCY Yes thanks.
PSTM Thankyou.
GUNTER Really care don’t they?Are you sure?
PSTM Please enter your card number.
LUCY pushes buttons.
LUCY I’m twenty you know.
PSTM Thankyou
GUNTER Yes, but ...
LUCY Are you worried that you're going to want to have sex with me?
GUNTER Oh no, no. No nonano.Well I don’t think so.Well I don’t know, maybe.I'm trying not to think about you like that, Lucy.
LUCY Why not?
GUNTER It doesn’t seem appropriate.
PSTM Please place licence form under the scanner.Thankyou.
LUCY A piece of paper that says we’re married doesn’tmean we have to do anything about it.
GUNTER No, no. Of course.I understand. But ...
LUCY What?
PSTM Please place licence form under the scanner thankyou.
LUCY hands GUNTER a form and a pen.
LUCY Here.Sign at the bottom.
GUNTER If you’re absolutely sure.
LUCY Yes I'm sure.What's your problem?
GUNTER What if you ever wanted to marry someone for real I'd be big a liability.
LUCY We can get a divorce. Hurry up it’s waiting.
GUNTER signs.
PSTM Please place licence form under the scanner thankyou.
LUCY puts the form into the machine.
LUCY You're not a liability.
PSTM Please enter names now.
LUCY types their names into the machine.
LUCY Is that spelt right?
GUNTER It’ll do.
PSTM Entry one registered.Entry two (BLEEP!) unregistered alien, systems alert.Please remove hands from the path of the security shield.
LUCY Oh what!?
PSTM 9 8 7 6 5bleep.
The security shield drops with a thud.
LUCY Bastard!
GUNTER What happened to 4 3 2 1?
There is a loud shouting from the arcade.REEVE is ejected
through the doorway.
REEVE Arseholes!!(he sees LUCY and GUNTER)G'day.Manager caught me smoking.Feel like a twelve year old.After all the cash I’ve spent in that joint.(back to doorway)Wankers!
LUCY inserts her card into the machine again.
LUCY Reeve this is Gunter. Gunter, Reeve.
REEVE Hi.
LUCY We have a problem.
The PSTM shield rises again.
REEVE What’s that?
LUCY This stupid machine.
She punchesa button.
PSTM Thankyou very much.Department please.
REEVE Jesus, you don't expect it to be helpful? It’s not there to help, it’s there to keep you away from the people who can.
LUCY Government registry office.Can you hack it?
REEVE Course I can.If you can build it, you can take it apart .
He approaches the machine.
REEVE What do you want sweets?
PSTM Function please.
LUCY Marriage.
REEVE Honeymooners!(to GUNTER)You sleazy bastard, she’s a catch.
GUNTER It’s not about that.
PSTM Are you sure?
LUCY Yes.
PSTM Thankyou.Please enter your card number.
REEVE OK let’s have a looky-feely here.
He taps at the keys.
PSTM Please place licence form under scanner.
He continues to tap.
PSTM Entry not registered.File not found - error - please provide details.
He continues to tap.
REEVE What’s wrong with a church.
LUCY We’re in a hurry.He needs a passport.
REEVE Outlaws!Dig it!I know what that’s like, don’t I sweets?
LUCY Yes Reeve, can you do it?
REEVE continues to tap.
REEVE If I can access the barcode and override the sub-routine.Come on baby ... yes!Good!Edit mode.
PSTM Thankyou.
REEVE It’s a pleasure.I know what it’s like on the outside looking in.You get the feeling no-one really knows what’s going on.It’s there under their noses.They just won’t look at it.
GUNTER You can’t blame them, it’s not a pleasant sight.
REEVE And the system rips them off. While the hegemony of international cartels manufactures consent with feel-good fascism.
PSTM Thankyou.
REEVE Sieg Heil ... now download the void numbers.
PSTM Thankyou.
REEVE Beautiful.And the military industrial complex keeps the arms trade healthy encouraging third world nationalism and flogging weapons to souped up sheikhs and colonels for the cash they got from the IMF.You know what I’m saying buddy?
GUNTER Got the picture.
PSTM Thankyou.
REEVE But they can’t touch me.I’ve got the key to a virus that can break up the global communications system.
PSTM Certificate prepared.Please enter code.
REEVE M m m m m m m m my Sharona!Got it!All I need to do now is feed in the bar code.
He turns.
REEVE So what’s in it for me sweets?
LUCY What?
REEVE I’ve got what you need, you’ve got what I need.
LUCY You must be joking.
REEVE It’s a doggy doggy world sweets.
GUNTER What’s that?
PSTM Certificate prepared.Please enter code.
REEVE Now or never sweets.
LUCY Oh, alright. Just for a few minutes, in the car.
REEVE Sixty minutes.My place.All the fruit.
PSTM Certificate prepared.Please enter code.
LUCY Half an hour.
REEVE Deal.
He returns to the PSTM.
REEVE I’m warning you, you may want to rethink the marriage.
GUNTER Whooo noo nonano.Now hold on.
LUCY Shut up.
REEVE peels a certificate from the PSTM and hands it to LUCY.
REEVE OK what’s the name buddy?
LUCY Noosboom.
REEVE (typing as he speaks)N, double O, S, B, double O, M.That right?
LUCY It’ll do.
PSTM Unregistered alien.Systems alert.Please remove your hands from the security shield.
REEVE What?You fucker!
LUCY I thought you were the best there is.
PSTM} 9 8 7 6 5
REEVE} I am! I am!
LUCY pushes his elbows further into the machine.
REEVE Heh!
PSTM Bleep!
The PSTM security shield drops, trapping REEVE’s hands.
LUCY Come on, hurry up!
PSTM flashes alarm siren sounds.
REEVE Help!My hands!
LUCY It’s a doggy doggy world sweets.
LUCY and GUNTER exit.REEVE screams.PSTM whines.
Blackout
Scene 5
DICK and JOHN at the apartment working on the contract. It is still warm. DICK is
munching on CAMILLE's chocolates. JOHN notices, worried. He is signing the
Propertytransferral documents.
JOHN There, all done at our end. Now if you'd just like to sign these ...
DICK Not just yet John, there's a few bits and pieces I need to check over.
JOHN We've been over it twice....
DICK ....Yes I know but just have another look at, uh, para 24, clause 17. These are great chocolates.
JOHN I don't think it's a very good idea to have too many.
DICK Why?
JOHN Well,you know - fat, sugar, cocoa, - they all contribute to heart disease.
DICK Never did me any harm. Now, clause 17 says the purchaser will be responsible for all State and Federal taxes payable on the transaction...
JOHN Do we really need to go over this in suchdetail?
DICKThe devil's in the detail John.How much longer will Lucy be, do you think?
JOHN I have no idea.
DICKLook, if we delete this sentence...
CAMILLE enters
JOHN Ah, here's Camille, she's better at this sort of thing than me, I'll leave you to it, I have a few things brewing in the lab, you see. Camille, don't forget totake acouple of chocolates will you.
DICK Oh so it's OK for her to eat them.
CAMILLE You can eat them, it's been injected with a vitamin supplement, that's all.
DICK ( He takes another.)Nourishing too. Good move Doc. Gives them a real hit.
CAMILLE Don't hover John. If you're going, go. I'll take care of Dick.
JOHN Yes, alright. I've, er, got something brewing in the lab, you see.
JOHN exits
CAMILLE Lazy prick.What are you up to?
DICKParagraph 24, clause 17:The purchaser will take responsibility for all...
CAMILLE You know what I mean; your lawyers could deal with this in minutes.
DICK Lawyers are addictive. The more you use them the more you need them. (Taking a chocolate )These chocolates are a real buzz.
CAMILLE Why are you hanging around?
DICKIt's good corporate practice for the CEO to cover all the property deals. Call me a control freak but land is the most ......
CAMILLE Spare me the Harvard onanisms.
DICK I'm waiting for Lucy.
CAMILLE Now what could she possibly know that you haven't already found out?
DICK For a start I'd lay odds she'll bring the fat man home with her.
CAMILLE What makes you think that?
DICKWhere else is he going to go?
CAMILLE What do you want him for?
DICKDid you know that there's a guy in Sydney, been struck by lightening 11 times.True story.What are the chances he'llbe struck again, do you think?
CAMILLE Theoretically no more or less than anyone else.
DICK Wouldn't wanna hold hands with him in a thunderstorm though would you?
CAMILLE So?
DICKIwant to make sure the fat man gets put back on a plane.
CAMILLE What for?
DICKSee if it crashes. I looked up his itinerary. It checks out.( Takes another chocolate ) Jesus these are good. Come here. ( He goes for her )
CAMILLE Stop it. John might come in.
DICKI'm a slave to my libido.
CAMILLE Control yourself.
DICKYou're irresistible. ( He tries again )
CAMILLE ( Resists ) Well you're not. Millions of people catch planes. Chances are, someone'll fit that pattern. It happened to be him.
DICKNot a chance in a million. I checked that out too.
CAMILLE Don't tell me it's a sign.
DICKIf ever there was one. The question is, what does it say?
CAMILLE "Club Gullible. Check in your brain at the door."
DICKYou can be crippled by cynicism Milly. Reads to me more like "Opportunity of a lifetime, for those with the courage."
CAMILLE What opportunity?
DICK You see, you've got to believe in yourself to achieve anything important. Visualise your goals. I can see mine so clearly I can taste it.
CAMILLE Can you? What do you see?
DICKI see ...... Jesus these are the best chocolates( Takes another chocolate )...... I see ...... I see a beautiful woman who gave me the best head job I ever had. (He pounces. )
CAMILLE(pulling back)Stop it. John might come in.
DICK I can't help it. You're irresistible.
He lunges. She deflects
CAMILLE Well you're not.What's so important about Gunter's flight-schedule?
DICKWe'll see if the pattern holds first. When's Lucy due back?
CAMILLE God knows. She floats in and out at whim. What's your hurry?
DICK I'm going to marry her.
CAMILLE Good Christ, when did you decide this?
DICK About lunchtime. Jesus, just let me fondle your tits for a moment.
CAMILLE (deflecting again) What? Why?
DICK They're calling to me. I've got to have them.
CAMILLE Don't be disgusting. Why do you want to marry Lucy?
DICKBecause I love her, of course. Why do men normally marry women?God I want to get my hands on you.
CAMILLE Keep your filthy paws to yourself. I'm not that desperate. Do you think I'm a damn robot? Do you think I don't feel anything? Do you think I don't need to feel loved, like anyone else?
DICK Well, yes I did but, Jesus, I don't care, I love you anyway.
CAMILLE Too late.
DICK It's true. I swear it's true. I must love you. I've never felt this desperate for a woman in my life. I just have to getmarried to Lucy tonight.
CAMILLE What on earth for?
DICK Can I squeeze them if I tell you?
CAMILLE 66 where's John?
66 Dr Lester is in the study.
CAMILLE Tell us when he leaves it.
DICKGood strategy.
He lunges., she holds him off.
CAMILLE Cough up first. What are you up to?
DICK The old man says Ihave to get married.
CAMILLE What, tonight?
DICK No, no. Before he dies. He's changed his will. If I'm not married by the time he kicks it, I don't get the company. Lucy's ideal wife material, don't you think?
CAMILLE Why the hurry? Is he planning to die soon?
DICKI think he's going to die tonight.
CAMILLE How do you know that?
DICKHe's going to be on the same plane as Gunter.
CAMILLE So if the pattern runs true to form ... Now I see what you're up to.And you have to marry Lucy before take-off.My Good Christ, you're a ruthless bastard aren't you.
DICKIt's a matter of survival. Now, will you come over here?
CAMILLE Try and stop me.
She sits next to him . He dives on top off her.
66 John is in the hall.
DICK Shit!
CAMILLE
JOHN enters, CAMILLE and DICK are still entangled enough for him to see what's going
on
JOHN It's time for your spa, Camille.
DICK You've got a spa?
JOHN It comes with the apartment. It's good for the foetus. Camille's pregnant you know.
DICK Yeah, yeah I know. Is it big enough for three?
CAMILLE What a good idea. I get bored wallowing by myself.
DICKCome on John, what do you say?
CAMILLE Not the spa type, are you John.
JOHN I don't enjoy itbut you two go ahead. I've still got work to do.
DICKDon't tell me you two haven't spent a few nights getting your rocks off in the bubbles, eh, John?
JOHN Ha ha. I'll lend you some bathers if you like.
DICK Don't worry, I'm wearing my Fiorucci boxers. Drip dry.
Theyalmost exit
JOHN Oh Camille, I need to show you something. (To DICK)You go ahead, we'll be through in a minute.
DICK OK. (exits)
JOHN Do you think I'm blind?
CAMILLE It wasn't what you think.
JOHN It looked a lot like it.
CAMILLE He was just ...... sharing a confidence.
JOHN It looked very confidential.
CAMILLE Don't be silly John, he wants to marry Lucy.
JOHN What? Why?
CAMILLE What do you mean why? He loves her of course.
JOHNOver my dead body.
CAMILLE He's very rich John.
JOHN He's ignorant, selfish, ruthless and crude.
CAMILLE And rich.
JOHN He's a corporate thug.
CAMILLE He's one of the most eligible men in the country.
JOHN He'd make her miserable.
CAMILLE It'd solve our problems with the land.
JOHN He's practically bought it already. There's only one more paper for him to sign.
CAMILLE Under the circumstances Delport might even consider sponsoring a programme on Cable.
Pause.
JOHN I suppose if he really loves her.
CAMILLE Frankly John, I don't think she's going to do any better.
JOHN And she must be attracted to him, otherwise she wouldn't've......
CAMILLE Oh she certainly is, believe me. Come on John, come and have a spa.
JOHN In a minute. You go, I've got a call to make.
CAMILLE Don'tbe long.(exits)
JOHN No, no. (He dials) 66, call Alice for me. And bring up vision filed under Neanderthal.
66 Yourservant, John.
GUNTER as Neanderthal comes up on the screen
JOHN Thankyou 66.
66 Anything for you, John. Lucy Leicester and Professor Stein have entered the building.
JOHN He isn't Prof... Oh never mind. Put the call through to my study.
JOHN exits
66Welcome home Lucy.
LUCY enters
LUCY It's alright. There's nobody here.
GUNTER appears in the doorway
LUCY What are you so worried about? We're married. You're perfectly safe. They can't deport you anymore.
GUNTERWe know that. Dick Delport seems to think he can do what he bloody well likes. I'msure that car across the road is the same one that took me to the airport last time. Phew ee. Still on the tropical side in here isn't it.(Sees himself on the screen.)Is that me?
LUCY Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid? 66, where are John and Camille?
66 John is in the study. Camille is currently occupying the spa with Richard Delport Jnr.
GUNTER You see. He's waiting for me.
LUCY 66, if anyone leaves the spa, let me know.
GUNTER I knew we shouldn't have come back here.
LUCY Where do you suggest we go?
GUNTER Haven't you got any friends?
LUCY Sure. "Hi, this is my new husband. He's got radiation poisoning. Mind if we crash for a while?"
GUNTER finds chocolates
GUNTER It's not radiation poisoning.
LUCY What is it then?
GUNTER I don't know. I suppose I should go to a doctor.
66 John has left the spa.
GUNTER Oh God!
Hegoes to the air conditioning duct and climbs inside, taking the chocolates with
him.
LUCY You should go to a shrink.
GUNTER I don't want to die in a plane crash. That's not unreasonable.
LUCY You can'tspend the rest of your life in ......
Hecloses the vent behind him. JOHN enters. carrying a new box of chocolates. and
a syringe.
JOHN 66, let me know if Dick leaves the spa?(sees LUCY)Lucy, you and I need to have a little chat.
LUCY Good.
JOHN Sit down darling.
LUCY sits on the sofa next to JOHN. He unpacks the chocolates and injects them.
JOHN Now you know I'd never make you do anything you didn't want to do, don't you?
LUCY Whatdid you say was in these?
JOHN Just vitamins. I don'teven object to the slack jobless layabouts you hang around with.
LUCY It's hard to find anyone under 30 who isn't a slack jobless layabout.
JOHN Dick Delport isn't.
LUCY No, he's somethingelse altogether. And Camille takes them for pregnancy does she?
JOHN Just as a nutritional supplement. She's not a healthy eater,Did you know, Dick Delport is apparently the country's most eligible bachelor.
LUCY I know he's the world's biggestsleaze-bag. Did you give them to Mummy as well?
JOHN Yes, I did actually. Lucy, listen, I want to tell you something. As a young, naive palaeontologist, I explored an ancient primeval world where survival depended on being powerful and ruthless, otherwise you'd get eaten.
LUCY It hasn't changed much.
JOHN Not at all. Not at all. I'm glad you understand that. Unfortunate though it may be, we must be realistic. As a closeted academic I was far more naive than you. I thought the modern world was civilised. But a year working in television taught me that civilisation is a thin facade. You still have to be strong and aggressive. And if you're not, you need powerful allies.
LUCY Are you suggesting Dick Delport?
JOHN He came back to see you.
LUCY He came back to see if Gunter was here.
JOHN No, he came to see you. Be friendly to him.
LUCY I've already slept with him. How friendly would you like me to be?
JOHN Perhaps you did go too far too quickly, and his motives were a little confused but he's obviously realised, withreflection, that you are a woman with a lot more going for her than his usual....
LUCY Oh now I'm a woman! Now that you want to marry me off.
JOHN For God's sake Lucy. You sound like your Mother.
LUCY I went to see her.
JOHNOh.
LUCY She's very well, thanks. I'll let her know you asked.
JOHN I'm glad. Listen, if you give Dick another chance, I think you'll....
LUCY Actually, you're too late, I'm taken.
JOHN What are you talking about?
LUCY I'm married.
JOHN What? Who to?
LUCY To Gunter.
JOHN Don't be ridiculous.
LUCY It's true.
JOHN Rubbish. He's ..... he's in hiding.
LUCY No, he's not. He's in here.(she drags GUNTER out of theair conditioner smoking a cigarette and carrying an empty box of chocolates)Come along, it's perfectly safe, no one's going to deport you.
They sit on the sofa. JOHN glares at GUNTER. GUNTER shrugs andpuffs
GUNTER Still pretty hot in here isn't it.
JOHN (To LUCY) You're not serious.
LUCY I am. (She shows JOHN the Marriage Certificate)See.
JOHN Oh you stupid girl.
LUCY Oh now I'm a girl again.
JACK But why?
LUCY Because I wanted to.
JACK But he's...... you couldn'tpossibly find him......well, look at him!
LUCY He's lovely and I'm in love with him.
She snuggles up to GUNTER. GUNTER is as surprised as JOHN.
JOHN This is ...... I ...... I forbid it. You're not 21 yet. You need permission .
LUCY Only from one parent.
JOHN I see. I wondered why you went to see her.
LUCY I found this at the caravan.
She shows him the certificate from JUDY.
LUCY What was it you wanted indemnity for?
JOHN Just what it says - "Ill health stemming from medication during pregnancy"
LUCY Why? I thought they were just vitamins?
JOHN They were litigious times.
LUCY They must've been if you needed to indemnify yourselffor giving her vitamins.
JOHN Your mother was a very attractive woman but she has a treacherous nature and her brother's a lawyer. You know what they're like.
LUCY Why did you think she was going to need one
JOHN I was trying something out, that's all.
LUCY So it was an experiment?
JOHN No, no, no. It didn't have any effect anyway.
LUCY What was it supposed to do?
JOHN I wasn't sure what it'd do.
GUNTER Excuse me,but doesn't that make it an experiment?
JOHN Shut up. It wasn't at all dangerous.
LUCY Enough to need an indemnity form.
JOHN I couldn't get any funding for animal trials ...
LUCY So you used mummy instead.
JOHN ... Not that they were needed. But you know how fussy medicalscience institutions can be. There was nothing for it. I had to do it myself.
LUCY But it wasn't yourself, was it? Itwas herself.While she was pregnantwith me.
JOHN That was the point. It was for you.
LUCY What was in the injections?
JOHN A very carefully calculated and completely harmless complex balance of naturally occurring hormones.
LUCY What was it supposed to do?
JOHN You wouldn't understand.
LUCY You always say that.
JOHN Alright. Alright.While I was researching the Lucy Godwit I found that atsites where evolution had occurred there were traces of excessive hormonalactivity. My hypothesiswas that an increase in particular hormone levels would increase the potential for genetic development.
LUCY You mean mutations?
JOHN Mutation is the way evolution works.
LUCY One mutant in a million. It's incredible luck if it's a successful one.
JOHN No, no, no that's not true. That's the point. The genes seem to know what they're doing. The Lucy Godwit didn't grow wings by accident.
LUCY I'm the remains of a scientific experiment.
JOHN I knew you wouldn't understand.
LUCY I'm the green stain at the bottom of a test-tube.
JOHN Don't talk nonsense.
LUCY I'm afreak.
JOHN There's nothingwrong with you.
LUCY That's what you think.
JOHN That's what I know. The pattern of evolution is unpredictable but the genes seem to have an uncanny knack of producing what's needed. 66, screen the Lucy Godwit.
The LUCY Godwit appears on half the screen, so that the picture of GUNTER
is squeezed into the other half.
JOHN. You may yet turn out to be something, someone, very, very special. We don't understand how or why yet but the Lucy Godwit didn't know what her wings were for before she learnt to fly. She had to take the leap.
GUNTER has been eyeing the chocolates. He picks one up, unable to resist.
LUCY And not satisfied with one mutant you've been putting the stuff in Camille's chocolates as well.
JOHN Lucy, don't say a word, it'll only upset her.
LUCY Where did you get it from?
JOHN The hormones? I put them together myself in the lab.
LUCY What with?
JOHN Chimpanzees' sperm, mainly.
GUNTER puts the chocolates down . LUCY groans
LUCY Oh God.
JOHN Don't be so squeamish. They make face cream from it.
LUCYgoes to the glass doors and tries to open them
JOHN What are you doing?
He follows her to the doors
LUCY I need some air.
LUCY opens the door
JOHN Do you know how hot it is out there ...... My God! 66, what's the temperature?
66 A delightful 24 degrees.
JOHN 66, call Camille. No never mind, I'll get her myself. Camille! Camille!
He races off to the spa
LUCY stays out on the balcony as JOHN exits
GUNTER Oh uh, John, John, before you go ......
JOHN What?
GUNTER Uh,what do you think might be the effect on uh, men, of these hormones?
JOHN (can't resist ascientific problem) I don't know. Perhapsincreased suggestibility, heightened sexual energy,......
A scream from the spa
66 Camille is leaving the spa.
Adoor slams. CAMILLE enters in a towel, lookingexhausted . She sees GUNTER.
CAMILLE Well, well, well. I wouldn't stick around if I were you. Not if you want to keep your feet on the ground.
GUNTER As a matter of fact Camille, I don't think .......
JOHN He can't be made to leave any more.
CAMILLE Why not?
JOHN He's married.
CAMILLE Ha, that was quick. Still I'm sure there are ways ......
JOHN To Lucy.
CAMILLE What?!!
GUNTER Uh, mind if I get myself a coke?
He escapes to the kitchen
CAMILLE sees theglass doors open.
CAMILLE Good Christ, who the hell opened......? (She goes to close it) It's cool ...... It's almost chilly ...... Oh thank God. Ooh, it's delicious!
JOHN Yes but what about the land?
CAMILLE What?
JOHN This is going to erase Greenhouse fears instantly. Coastal property values will go into orbit and we've signed all ours over to Dick bloody Delport.
CAMILLE I see what you mean. But he doesn't know it's cooled down yet. We can scratch the deal before he finds out.
JOHN I don't think we need to worry about that. We just have to make doubly sure he marries Lucy that's all.
CAMILLE I don't want to have to rely on her to look after me in my dotage thankyou.
66 Dick is leaving the spa.
JOHN Too late.
CAMILLE No, it's not. Get them inside. 66, if anyone asks, it's 44 degrees. Capisci?
66 Capisco.
DICK takes a step into the room in a towel. CAMILLE blocks him. He can't see
JOHN
CAMILLE Not so fast party boy, you haven't had a good enough soak yet.
DICK Come back, I need you.
JOHN What for?
DICK John! Great. I need you both to check paragraph 29.
CAMILLE John's busy. I'll come.
DICK Great. Pity. I mean it's a great pity John's busy.
CAMILLE Yes, isn't it. Never mind, come on. (Picks up chocolates) Here, have a chocolate.
She hustles him out.. JOHN watches, worried. He goes to the french window.
JOHN Lucy will you come inside please?
LUCY Why?
JOHN Because ......with the sudden weather change there's an increased risk of extreme wind gusts.
LUCY I'll hold onto the railing.
JOHN No, really, it's very dangerous. You could get blown off. Come inside.
LUCY Oh, all right.
JOHN Close the door, and keep it closed. 66, don't open the door for anyone. I'm going to, um, talk to Camille.
JOHN exits. LUCY sits. GUNTER enters with coke
LUCY sits on the couch. GUNTER sits next to her, smiles
GUNTER Well. I must say I'm flabbergasted. I had no idea.
LUCY Why should you? I didn't.
GUNTER Didn't you?
LUCY I suppose I should've guessed really. I wonder if it has something to do with the fainting fits.
GUNTER I've heard that it can have that effect but I never really believed it.
LUCY Really? You've heard of it happening before?
GUNTER Apparently.
LUCY Is there anything I can do about it?
GUNTER I don't know whether I'm the right person to ask. You see I've had a few of those chocolates so I'm feeling a bit ...... a bit ......well, a lot actually. Extremely, in fact.
LUCY Extremely what?
GUNTER You know
LUCY No.
GUNTER A slave to the hormones.
LUCY How do you think I feel then?
GUNTER I suppose if the chemistry's there ...... we should act on it.
LUCY Should we? What should we do?
GUNTER Well, this is pretty unfamiliar territory for me and I'm not too sure of the protocol but, I suppose, perhaps, we might start with ...... (He leans in towards her)
LUCY With what?
GUNTER Well, ... a kiss?
He goes to kiss her, she pulls away, horrified
LUCY Excuse me !!
GUNTER I'm sorry, isn't that the appropriate thing to do?
LUCY No, it certainly isn't!
GUNTER OK. What do you suggest?
LUCY I suggest you keep your scaly fingers toyourself.
GUNTER Oh. Butyou said ......
LUCY What?
GUNTER You said ......
LUCY Said what!?
GUNTER That you ...... loved me.
LUCY Oh. Oh I didn't mean it. God, you must be joking. That was just for his sake, I thought you understood that.
GUNTER No
LUCY Oh. Oh dear. Look, I'm sorry, I mean you didn't really think ...... I mean you're very sweet, but, well, come on!
GUNTER Sorry.
LUCY No, no I'm sorry.
GUNTER I should've realised.
LUCY No it's OK, honestly.
GUNTER I don't know how I could've been so stupid.
LUCY No it was my fault, really. I'm beginning to feel very hot. I think I'll just go and have a shower.
GUNTER Yes, good idea, I ...... I think it must be the chocolates. You see, I still have this terrible "desire".
LUCY Perhaps you ought to have a shower as well then.
GUNTER We could have one together...... No, no, just kidding, really. Sorry. don't know why I said that. I suppose this must be how rapists feel all the time.
LUCY Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.
GUNTER Thanks.
LUCY exits
66 John and Dick and Camille are leaving the spa.
GUNTER gathers chocolates, coke and fags and goes into the air -conditioner
DICK chases CAMILLE in, pinching her.
CAMILLE Stop it, he's coming in.
DICK Can't. Gotta get my hands on your ......
JOHN enters with papers
JOHN Here we are, now if you give us back the transfer papers we signed, everything will be just as it was.
DICK So what's wrong with the way it is?
CAMILLE Taxes, Dick. Now that you're going to marry Lucy, we can save at least $25,000 in fees and charges.
DICK You think she will?
JOHN Of course she will.
(CAMILLE picks up DICK's case)
CAMILLE Now, they're in here aren't they?
DICK Yes, but ......
CAMILLE Allow me. (She delves into his case)
DICK Where's the fat man?
CAMILLE Oh, he's around somewhere.
DICK Jesus, it's hot in here. You've gotta get that air-conditioner fixed.
CAMILLE Here we are, I'll take care of these ......
DICK (snatching the papers)Just a minute, I haven't had a look ......
LUCY enters
DICK Ah ha! She comes. Grace, truth and beauty. I'm dazzled. Marry me. Where's yourfat friend?
LUCY He was here a minute ago.
DICK Where did he go? I need him here ASAP.
LUCY Not that it's going to do you any good because you can't......
CAMILLE Let's take care of one thing at a time shall we? Why don't you look at that and make sure it's the right piece of paper and then we can ......
DICK(to LUCY)I can't what?
JOHN Uh, Lucy we need to have another talk.
CAMILLE(to DICK)And so do we.
CAMILLE whispers in DICK's ear, turns and sashays out the door. DICK is torn between
the need to organise his patricide and his burning desire for sex. He groans under
the weight of thefrustration, Finally sex wins. He follows CAMILLE out to the spa with
the papers in his hand.
JOHN Lucy, listen. When I said that your mother's injections had no effect on you, I ...... I lied .The truth is that they have. In fact they left you with a congenital susceptibility to heat. I'm sorry Lucy.
LUCY sits, her hand to her brow.
JOHN Are you alright.
LUCY I just feel very hot. It must be psychosomatic I suppose.
JOHN I should've told you before but I was so ashamed of what I'd done, I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I'm so sorry Lucy. It's been a burden to me all your life, believe me.
LUCY I suppose there's a reason why you're telling me now?
JOHN You're going to need someone to take care of you, my darling. A man who can keep you safe as the world gets hotter.
LUCY Dick, you mean.
JOHN You need him now.
LUCY No I don't, it's cooled down.
JOHN That was just an aberration I'm afraid.66, what's the external temperature?
66 External temperature a fiery 44.
JOHN You see?
LUCY Oh God.
CAMILLE enters carrying the papers. DICK follows lookingdishevelled. CAMILLE tears
up the papers
JOHN Well, Dick, if you want to pop the question I think you'll find you get a favourable response.
LUCY No, he won't.
JOHN Lucy......
LUCY How can I marry him? I'm married to Gunter.
JOHN Have you slept with him?
LUCY Of course not! What do you think I am?
DICK No problem then, we'll just annul it. It'll take my lawyers about five minutes. ( He takes another chocolate )God these are great chocolates.
A moaning sound comes from the air-conditioner
CAMILLE What the devil's that?(She goes to the air-conditioning duct,
opens it, looks inside)Oh God!(She reappears ,visibly shocked)Oh God!
JOHN What is it?
CAMILLE He's in there.
DICK Who?
CAMILLE Who do you think? Him. And he's .......he's ......
JOHN What?
LUCY What?
CAMILLE He was ...... playing with himself.
GUNTER appears doing up his fly
GUNTER I suppose this is about as low as it gets.(He scratches.) Phew ee, hot isn't it? (They all look at him)So what's new?
CAMILLE I suppose you'd better tell him.
GUNTER Tell me what?
LUCY I'm ...... Oh you tell him.
DICK Lucy has done me the honour of agreeing to become my wife.
GUNTER But you're married to me.
LUCY Sorry.
DICK We're getting it annulled.
GUNTER Can you do that?
DICK Sure can.
GUNTER Hooley Dooley it's hot. (He sits next to LUCY scratching compulsively) You're not going to let them put me back on a plane are you?
LUCY stands.
CAMILLE God, you've got a nerve. Did you seriously expect to get away with this? Duping this poor gullible child into a bogus marriage because of some silly, superstitious delusion about air crashes.
GUNTER It was her idea actually.
LUCY And it was a good one too, thankyou, if it wasn't for the injections.
CAMILLE What injections?
LUCY The hormone injections he gave my mother that've turned me into an over-sensitive mutant. The same thing he's been putting in your chocolates.
DICK has just picked up a chocolate.
CAMILLE What?
DICK These chocolates?
JOHN Not the same thing at all!
CAMILLE What've you been putting in them?
JOHN Vitamins! Just vitamins.
LUCY And the rest.
DICK If I wasn't marrying your daughter... Jesus, it's hot in here.
GUNTER has been scratching
GUNTER I think I'm getting a carbuncle.
LUCY Sorry.
DICK (to LUCY)Look at him, Jesus Christmas, just look what I saved you from. (He embraces her and grabs her bum, rubbing himself against her)Come on, we've just got time for a quick spa before we go.
LUCY Do you mind. It's not annulled yet you know.
DICK Oh, beg your pardon, Miss Priss.
LUCY God, I think I'd rather have him.
DICK Fine, you can have him.
JOHN Now then Lucy...
LUCY Don't you "now then" me.
CAMILLE Lucy, act your age.
LUCY At least he masturbates in private.
CAMILLE Lucy, don't be ridiculous. For God's sake, he's a slug. Look at him, he's left his detritus all over the sofa. Consider yourself lucky you detached yourself so easily. I imagine he's immovable when the slime dries.
JOHN Lucy, he's inferior.
DICK He's a retarded puss-bucket.
CAMILLE It turns my stomach to look at him.
DICK He's a gob of snot stuck to your finger. Give him the flick.
LUCY I feel a bit faint.
JOHN Sit down. Sit, sit.
CAMILLE Are you alright?
DICK'sphone rings. LUCY sits.
LUCY It's so hot.
DICK Yo.
JOHN 66, can't you let a bit of air in?
66 Outside it's a frazzling 44.
DICK Dad, hi. Glad you called.
JOHN (to LUCY)Do you want a drink or something?
LUCY No it's alright, I'llbe fine.
GUNTER I can't help having a skin condition you know.
DICK Of course I'm coming to see you off. Hey, I've got some news for you.
GUNTER I don't like it any more than you do.
DICK I'll tell you at the airport.
CAMILLE Spare us the self-pity.
DICK What? Dad, I can't hear you, there's some interference on the line. Dad? Hello? Dad?
CAMILLE What's wrong?
DICK I don't know. Gremlins! Must be some interference in the building. Well, grab your gear sweatball, it's time to go.
GUNTER Don't let them put me on a plane Lucy.
LUCY What can I do about it?
DICK I'd better ring Immigration, make sure they're waiting for you. We don't want to stuff it up this time do we?
GUNTER But your phone's not working.
DICK I'll ring them from the balcony.Are you going to make this easy or do I tell them to come and get you.They won't be so polite this time.
GUNTER Alright, I'll come quietly.
He stands. He whinnies
DICK Come on. princess, get yourself together, I want you to meet the old man. The drive will do you good. 66, open the balcony doors.
66 Unable to comply.
GUNTER crumbles and throws himself at DICK's ankles .
GUNTER Please don't put me on the plane?! Think of the other passengers. Think of your father!
DICK Don't make me laugh. 66 open the damn door.
66 Unable to comply.
GUNTER(Howls)Pleease!I don't want to drop out of the sky with 500 people around me all screaming in terror. Pleease??!! Have mercy!!
JOHN 66, open the door.
66 Door is not to open under any circumstances.
JOHN 66 I am now rescinding that order.
66 But John ......
JOHN 66. Open the damn door!
GUNTER (grovelling at DICK's feet.)I don't want to die!
The door opens. There is a great whoosh along with a burst of cold mist as the ice
age arrives rather suddenly. JOHN, CAMILLE, LUCY, and DICKare blown off their
feet by the force of the cold air.
All the lights flicker and die except for back lights in which GUNTER is
dazzlingly silhouetted. As the others curl up into shivering lumps,
GUNTER slowly rises and stretches his arms.
GUNTER Oh, That Feels Good!!!
He goes out onto the balcony to take the air.
CAMILLE 66, clclclose the ddddoor!
The door closes. The wind dies down but the cold remains.
CAMILLE 66, turn on the heater!
The sound of the heating system turned on.A motor whirrs, then hums,
then clunks, then silence.
66 Heating system no longer functioning.
CAMILLE GGGood CCCChrist!
We hear knocking as GUNTER appears out of the mist behind theglass
doors
LUCY 66, open the ......
CAMILLE Ddddon't you dare. We'll freeze to dddddeath.
LUCY He'll freeze to death. 66, open the ......
CAMILLE 66, do not open the door.
LUCY Daddy!
JOHN (can hardly speak)Sssixty sssix, oppennn ....... oppp ......(He
gives up)
LUCY Daddy!(She goes over to him)
CAMILLE Aren't you cccold?
LUCY Of course I'm cold.
CAMILLE Yes, bbbut you're not incapppacitttatttteddd.
She and DICKdive for the chocolates. DICK misses them and collapses.
CAMILLE stuffs her face with the chocolates. GUNTER breaksopen the
glass doors
CAMILLE Close the ffffucking dddoors!
GUNTER closes them
GUNTER Now that is what I call a change in the weather.
LUCY Aren't you cold?
GUNTER I do like it on the cool side. Seems to suit me. Well, it doesn't look like we'll be doing any flying for a while. It'll close down the airport for quite a few days I imagine. Mind if I help myself to a coke?
He exits to the kitchen
LUCY Daddy?
She shakes him. DICK lungesfor thechocolates. again CAMILLE beats him
off. He falls into a shivering heap.
CAMILLE 66, cccall for someone to cccome and fix the hhheater. Ccccost is no object.
66 All communication channels are currently inoperative Camille.
CAMILLE Oh God, it's the end of the world as we know it.
GUNTER enters, carrying blankets, coke, chocolate .
GUNTER I thought these might be useful.
He sits in themiddle of the sofa. CAMILLE crawls over to get under the blankets.
CAMILLE You're so warm!
She cuddles up to him
GUNTER(embarrassed)Uh, would you like some coke?Better drink it before itfreezes.
He pours three glasses
GUNTER ( To LUCY) Coke?
LUCY comes to getthe coke. She sits on the other side to CAMILLE
LUCY God, you are warm. It's ...... it's almost emanating from you.
GUNTER Well, maybe you should try to overcome your repulsion and cuddle up a bit before you get......
LUCY (cuddling up) I don't think you'rerepulsive at all.
CAMILLE You get your hands off him, he's mine.
GUNTER I think you're being a bit previous there, Camille.
CAMILLE Oh darling, you don't want her, she's a possessive little bore. Believe me, I can make you a very happy man.(DICK crawls up. She flicks him off)Get off me, wimp.
GUNTER Well, actually Camille, I have to say I'm not totally convinced.
CAMILLE Let me convince you.
She disappears under the blankets and proceeds to give him oral sex. GUNTER
watches, astonished.
LUCY Are you just going to let her do that?
GUNTER Short of putting a gun to her head, I don't really know at this point quite how I can stop h ...... ohhhowooo.
LUCY Oh really! That's gross!
GUNTER Sorry, I ..... Aaowooh!
LUCY Oh for heaven's sake!
GUNTER Well, actually .......mmmmngh!
LUCY God, you're no better than him.
GUNTER Yes, you made that pretty clear.Whooaah!
LUCY I only agreed to marry him because I needed to.
GUNTER Mmmmm, mm?
LUCY I suppose you think I need you now?
GUNTER The situation does seem to have ......ooargh .... changed,doesn't it?
LUCY You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me.
GUNTER Just as well for yooooh then, isn't it.
LUCY Oh shut up and put your arm around me.
GUNTER puts his arm around her. DICK and JOHN give their last dying
spasms.
THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.
This page incorporates material from Garry Gillard's Freotopia website, that he started in 2014 and the contents of which he donated to Wikimedia Australia in 2024. The content was originally created on 15 July 1996 and hosted at freotopia.org/people/ingleknight/thermophobia.html (it was last updated on 3 October, 2015), and has been edited since it was imported here (see page history). The donated data is also preserved in the Internet Archive's collection.